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Self Harmed for the First Time in Years....need advice.

Posted by sakura7792 , 11 November 2013 · 123 views

All time Low.....

Ok so I am not completely sure why I have been feeling like I am slowly pulling back into the dark lately.
My husband has even noticed that there is in fact a deep resentment inside me towards myself.
On my good days, I love myself so much. I think that I am a good human being, beautiful, smart and I have a good future ahead of me.
But on my bad days...wow...
I reached an ALL TIME LOW the other day...for the first time in a long time I actually self harmed.

I was having an argument with my husband and I just lost it... I threw things, I screamed, shouted, cursed. And I kept saying to him...  I JUST HATE MYSELF. I HATE MYSELF. I'M ANGRY AT ME. I CAN'T STOP. IT WOULD BE BETTER IF I DIDNT EXIST.
I even threatened to kill myself (with no actual intention to do it...but why did I even say it????)
Anyway, I got so frustrated with myself, I scratched into my neck, my adrenalin was going CRAZY so I didn't feel a thing, in fact it wasn't until I was in the bathroom crying my eyes out that I saw the HUGE RED gashes down my neck.
And it suddenly hit me....what did I do? How could I do this to myself?.... I have to go back to my psychologist..

I don't understand why I think that I am so unworthy of life or happiness, I don't understand why I think I am such a bad person, yet I am ready to forgive someone much worse than me in a heart beat.
But I am unable to forgive myself?
Honestly what haunts me the most is everything I have done to others during the years that I was out of control, cheating, sleeping around, doing drugs, drinking, stealing and more cheating... And then of course, what actually happened to begin with. What started this whole reel of events that have brought me to the point where I despise myself.

I am quite disappointed that I have come to this point again but I have to accept that it happens, it's not how you fall but how you get back up right?

Just feeling really shit that I let myself get there....
*sigh* could use some support.....

Sakura

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hug.gifhug.gif hug.gif I've done SI before and my heart goes out to you. I think you're being so self-empowering with your decision to see your psychologist, and so incredibly self-aware. You are in a not-so-good place but you're taking steps to remedy the situation. I think you're taking care of yourself, despite a misstep....you're a good person, a strong person.  :)

Sitting with you :blanket: if its ok, I struggle with similar feelings. Its not a failure or a step backwards - you did well to recognise your feelings after. You are precious not anything to be despised. We all had ways of coping when we didn't know who we were anymore, the out of control days are the past. But I do know its hard to forget somedays. Sending lots of positive thoughts :rainbow:

Thank you so much for your words. It means more than anything to have other people who have experienced the same things.. doesn't make me feel like I'm alone.
I cried when I read all the wonderful things you both had to say, thank you so much.
You have made my day <3
I am definitely reaching out to my psychologist before things get any worse, I know I definitely need help to fix the filter in my mind so I don't allow those "demons" to overpower me.
Thank you Thank you!!!
Sakura
:butterfly:
 

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