what i've learnt so far...
I've had to face a lot of demons the past few weeks, going back to the times it happened and having to 're-live' them with my psychologist and days after.
The first thing I have learnt is how to deal with my shame, guilt and regret. Which has controlled me for years.
I have learnt that I am judging myself. Thinking back to things I could have said, could have done and could have prevented in some way..I always think I didn't do enough and could have done things differently. but I now know that for me to think of all these things now, when I am not in the moment, isn't fair. Sure, I can say I could have, would have, should have done things differently but the fear, the shock, the confusion and the betrayal isn't here with me right now... I don't have a knife at my throat now...
The second thing so far is how I think that my life sucks and I'm never going to get anything good.
I always look back at the past, I think about it, day dream about it and in some way, without realizing, I let it control me. I let the past control my emotions, my feelings and my views on life...I can't let it go.
Its like I am driving a car, and next to me is a huge mirror, so I can see behind me. And I keep looking in the mirror, staring at it instead of glancing at it. So I crash. I'm too busy looking back at the past, so that's why it sometimes feels like things never get better.
There is no way to change what happened, so there is no point fighting against it. Acceptance is one of the hardest things you can do and it doesn't happen overnight.
I try to remind myself over and over again, that I accept this. that it was not my fault.
I am not the one who has broken my family.
I am not the one who has broken my mother.
I am not the one who has broken myself.
It was him. It was his fault. He did it.
People may blame me, people may point their finger at me and say things about me. but it was not my fault. it was NEVER my fault. There is nothing anyone can say to change this. Because this is the truth.
I am finally so happy,