old wounds...but staying strong :)
I see him every thursday and ever since we started seeing each other, ive been a lot happier in my everyday life.
I've been more tolerant and less agitated and life seems to be going quite well!! I'm even working with my boyfriend at the moment, which is loads of fun.
My psychologist and I went into detail about one of the "times it happened"... I hadn't cried in a session with him until we spoke about that.
I tried my hardest to hold back the tears... probably because i percieve crying as a form of weakness. which i know isnt true.
It's weird because my psychologist always tells me stories with morals..and the one he told me when i described my feelings of guilt, shame and regret with what happened to me.. he told me a story about a woman who was robbed while she was at work.
She had a knife held to her throat and he stole all the money...later she talked about how she wished she had done things differently.
He taught me a lot with this story, now that I am 18 and looking back at what happened to me, i think about all the things I could have done differently. all the things I wish I had done. But I'm not in that situation anymore. I don't 'have the knife at my throat' anymore.
So how can I possibly know what I would and could have done?
I was only a girl, it was someone I trusted and I had no idea it was coming. There was no way I could have prevented it and my mind was only concerned with conserving my life. and to deal with the consequences after...
It's been such a long and hard journey, I'm not gonna lie, sometimes I felt like I wouldn't come out the other side.
I never thought achieving happiness was possible... I was prepared for any entire life of darkness.
But here I am...feeling so much better about myself and what has happened...I feel like I am finally going to be at peace with what happened to me.
It doesn't matter if you have the worlds best psychologist and the most supportive family in the world. Sure these things can help but the main person that needs to be prepared to make the steps and heal, is you. Nothing will happen if you aren't ready to make sacrfices and to do things you are afraid of doing... I am so happy that I have finally decided to move through this...
Sending all my love to all those survivors out there, here if anyone needs to talk