...healing is never easy...
If you can't trust anyone...If you hurt others...or even yourself... if you feel like you'll never be happy again.......dont give up because you're half way there.
I can hardly even remember the years that I just destroyed myself over everything. It's like they have all been blurred together. of course I still remember bits and pieces, but not like I remember being a child. Before this shit happened.
I hated myself so much and I had no idea...I just kept drinking, sleeping around, partying, doing really stupid shit and losing friends, losing trust from my family...and pretty much ramming my life full speed, head first into the ground.
If there is anyone who can ruin your life. destroy it. bring it down. kick it. spit it out and rub it in your face...its yourself. I just let go of all the grip I had on myself and threw my head back and just let my life spin out of control.
I could have done things differently...I could have reached out and tried to make things better. Tried to make things good. Tried to stay on track and keep going with my dreams and hopes...But the mind set I had was...I suck..I'm never gonna be happy and what's the point in even trying if every single fucking time you do it, you fail and fall?
To be honest, when I was doing it all. I had no idea it was because of what happened to me. But my mum did.....She knew who I was deep down. Afterall, she's been my best friend since the moment I came into this world. She knew that because of that, I became that person.
I had doctors tell me to see counsellors, I was given help lines and all this other support. But it never helped. In fact, I didn't even call them. I just thought, heres another person who thinks Im doing all this because I was raped. Im not. Im just doing this because this is who I am.....I was lying to myself and I didn't even realize...its amazing how far the pain and lashing out really branches.
I just want those who are still at that point to know... It fucking sucked for me too. I hated it. every second of it. and yeah, I gave up quite a few times. Just thought fuck it, its never gonna change.
But now...Im sitting here, and my life is different. and i AM happy...its like a dream. I never thought this would happen to me.
Pandys has helped, its a place to vent and to source support, help, love, friendship and all the things that make you remember that you deserve more than this.
But it was mostly forcing myself to change my mind set. I had to BELIEVE i could do it. Instead of talking about doing it...writing about doing it...I had to actually do it. I had to let all that pain, sorrow, anger, hate, confusion and nothingness just drain out of me. And for weeks...scratch that months. i've cried for no reason, been super emotional and had a very short temper. On top of all this, i've even quit smoking.
I've pulled myself down to the ground for so long now, for years. And its like I've just decided that I'm over it. It's gonna take a long time, changing your mindset isn't something that happens over night. But it DOES happen...Sure, life will still suck from time to time, because you can never change what happened. But you can change your life in the future, you can make things different and I will never be the same girl again...But I'm aiming higher...Im gonna be better
Part of me is still healing...And I think I still have a long road ahead of me. But it's much easier now... I really think they're right.
What doesn't kill you...really does make you stronger.
Hang in there!!!!!!
Much Love to All,