Sometimes I really want to give up. Late at night, when I can't sleep, it all comes back. Sometimes I don't know if I want to be alive, sometimes I don't know if I AM alive. I am tired of it, all of it, I am tired of feeling emotionally and physically like crap. I'm tired of not having anyone to turn to in real life. I'm tired of babysitting day in and day out. I want to escape. Run away, somewhere, assume a new name and become a new person. But I can't. I have two babies who need me here, regardless of anything else. THEY need me. My needs have to come second to theirs.
I almost went back to therapy. I'm to nervous, to scared of being told I don't qualify or being forced to go places that I'm not ready to go. I don't want to tell my mom I need therapy. I don't want to spend the gas money to get to the office. I don't want to inconvenience anyone with my lack of scheduling opportunities.
I don't know anymore... I am under water and I forgot how to swim.