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Many memories, many blocks.

Posted by AmandaM , 11 April 2011 · 14 views

I can't sleep again. I'm scared of what happens when I lay down and close my eyes and the crying starts and I start to think about things. I keep eating, trying to fill myself up with something other than memories. I've been a survivor for half of my life, and all of my adult life. I don't know how to be anything else. I fight the pain, I give in to the pain, I fight the memories, I give in to the memories, I distract myself, I put myself in danger again, I fall apart and build myself up again, over and over and over. It's getting better, with the help of meds, and a therapist, and a good man. But in the end it's just me, just me and them. I don't want to remember, but my body won't let me forget. Sometimes it's like there crowding up behind a wall I've put up, pounding to get through, and if I let one in they all come tumbling in, while I scream no and try to ground myself. I am here, this is my body, noone can hurt me now, I'm safe, no matter the lies they tell me.

May 2016

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