I am wondering tonight how much people who were not wounded like we all were handle all of our memories and emotions. I sometimes express how much I care for people, and they don't have it in them to love me back. I know I am fine with that, it is just hard for me to understand why. I often wonder what else I can do to get that person to love me. I wonder what it would take for someone I care for deeply to love me back. I wonder if I would do anything possible to get love. So far in my life, I have given away a lot of money, I have kept too many secrets, I have changed my personality, I have given up on myself, and I have given in. I wonder how much I have to really do to get people to love me enough to tell me.
I am usually willing to help anyone with anything, but I seem to want to do it because they are important to me. However, I sometimes feel used. I feel like they feel like I am just a damaged person who should be getting on with my life instead of going on and on. But they don't often understand triggers. They don't understand why I am the way I am.
I don't understand why I am the way I am. I am scared today that I love foolishly and that people I tell I care for them think of me as pathetic. Maybe that is why I feel like a sucker sometimes. I feel like I am only good for money or for what they need.