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random thoughts

Posted by tjmom726 , 11 January 2011 · 73 views

For years I wanted to go unnoticed. I wanted to hide behind the mask of abuse. I wanted to keep the shame hidden deep inside, but now I want to expose it for what it is. I am so tired of feeling like I burden people with the truth. People are so quick to talk about a death in the family or a tragedy. But it is still considered taboo to talk about someone harming you sexually? I don't get it.

By allowing myself to expose what I feel, I am finding that I have no shame. I am even telling those around me that I love them. I don't need to hear I love you back from people. I want to hear it back. It would be nice to hear it back. But I don't need to hear it. I love them, and that is all that matters to me.

Now, I am wondering when the world will realize this too. When will the shame of sexual abuse be put where it belongs, on those that abuse. My uncle is sitting in his house probably right now telling his lover that he went to jail for something he didn't do. He is telling her that he was not doing anything wrong and the police who investigated the case had a vendetta against him. He is telling her that I exaggerated and nothing really happened.

Heck, he doesn't even show up on a google report. I have the proof that he served five years in jail for harming me. I know other who have been victimized by him and are afraid of what will come out if they come forward. My uncle is only considered a level one sex offender when he went to jail for indecent assault and battery of a child under the age of 14. I don't get it. Maybe I never will.

But I cannot dwell on that because there is nothing I can do about it. No one will listen to me at the registry board and unless someone else comes forward, he will remain a level one. So, I sit here typing and praying and loving. I sit here with a big heart and my life unfolding before my eyes.

I don't want to carry shame anymore. I want to be free and realize in my heart of hearts that I could not have possibly prevented anything from happening. I just gotta figure out how...lol

I just wanna say that you're amazingly wonderful for saying all that. I don't think I'll ever understand anything about the people who do horrible things to other people for what... well, I don't know. You're pretty awesome though! If you ever need to talk just send me a message. :dancingpanda:


Jan 12 2011 10:29 AM
I love your words. I love the way they pour so purely from your heart. A heart that gives you strength of character and courage to say what you just did! :yay:

Much love
biw x

July 2015

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