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Talking intimacy with T (TW)

Posted by voice*~* , 26 June 2014 · 64 views

My T brought up the subject I have been dreading to talk about. Intimacy. I am a csa survivor and I have never been with a man other than my abuser. I hate being touched in any way, by others and even myself in many instances. I hadn't expected her to be so blunt with things though... She asked me if I pleasured myself... The question scared the hell out of me and I shrunk into myself after that. She said I needed to reclaim my hands as my own and be comfortable with my own hands touching my body before I could be comfortable with someone else touching me. She knows how badly I want a relationship and even more so to have kids in the near future. I am just not sure I am comfortable doing what she seems to be recommending... I don't know if I could compromise and try something that doesn't involve my hands... Just writing this makes me so uncomfortable. I am terrified of sex and that is how kids are made so if I ever want my dreams of a family I need to heal this area of my life too. I don't want sex to be just doing what a wife does or doing it to make a baby. I don't want it to be painful and traumatizing, but how can I start liking touch after so long not liking it?
I don't want my hands on my body in that way, but I know I need to trust my T. I am just so confused and hurting inside right now. I have never ever talked to anyone in this way about intimacy and it is so uncomfortable, embracing, and scary to try now. Especially when you have to have someone tell you the things you need to do to your body to overcome what was done to it in the past.
Any advice? I just want to curl into a ball and hide.

I don't at all think you should do anything that you don't feel ready for but I think I get what your T was saying. Because of the bad things that happened you learned that touch is bad, scary, painful, your body learned to resist touch. By taking back using your own hands to touch your body and pleasure yourself you might be able to re-train your brain and your body, to teach yourself that touch can be a good thing, touch can be gentle, soothing, safe, enjoyable. This is a problem for me too, I don't entirely know how to get to the other side of it yet, how to get to the point of intimacy being enjoyable but I think talking about it with your T and writing about it here are good first steps. I think baby steps are wonderful, try not to pressure yourself into going farther or faster than you feel ready for (even if it is just with yourself). Try not to focus on wanting to have children or on being a wife or any of that, try to focus on goals like feeling safe with touch, getting to a point of being able to pleasure yourself, smaller more focused goals. 


I hope this helps. You are being so brave talking about all this and asking for advice, I think it can be an uncomfortable subject for anyone to talk about and our history makes it so much more difficult but so much more important at the same time. Good luck.

December 2014

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