My T brought up the subject I have been dreading to talk about. Intimacy. I am a csa survivor and I have never been with a man other than my abuser. I hate being touched in any way, by others and even myself in many instances. I hadn't expected her to be so blunt with things though... She asked me if I pleasured myself... The question scared the hell out of me and I shrunk into myself after that. She said I needed to reclaim my hands as my own and be comfortable with my own hands touching my body before I could be comfortable with someone else touching me. She knows how badly I want a relationship and even more so to have kids in the near future. I am just not sure I am comfortable doing what she seems to be recommending... I don't know if I could compromise and try something that doesn't involve my hands... Just writing this makes me so uncomfortable. I am terrified of sex and that is how kids are made so if I ever want my dreams of a family I need to heal this area of my life too. I don't want sex to be just doing what a wife does or doing it to make a baby. I don't want it to be painful and traumatizing, but how can I start liking touch after so long not liking it?
I don't want my hands on my body in that way, but I know I need to trust my T. I am just so confused and hurting inside right now. I have never ever talked to anyone in this way about intimacy and it is so uncomfortable, embracing, and scary to try now. Especially when you have to have someone tell you the things you need to do to your body to overcome what was done to it in the past.
Any advice? I just want to curl into a ball and hide.