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I want to date...I think...

Posted by voice*~* , 21 May 2014 · 75 views

I keep fantasizing about that happy life everyone wants. A loving partner to share my deepest secrets with, to feel safe being intimate with, and to love and trust completely. I have always dreamed about getting married and having a family, but I can't stand kissing or being touched in even ways that are not intimate. I can't even tolerate most Dr. visits. My T and I haven't gotten into relationships in our discussions yet because it is still early and I know I need to work on myself alone before I can work on myself with someone, but I am 20. I want to be able to have an emotional and physical connection with someone and enjoy it, not torture myself with it.
 
I want to go out on a date and laugh, smile, have a good time with someone. Let them hold my hand at the very least. I can't even do that. I am not sure why, but I feel so selfish for wanting this. I feel like there are worse things to struggle with and I shouldn't complain about this one. But it hurts. I do not know how to change how I am though. How can you make yourself like something that you don't?
 
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I understand what you mean, I too want the same, safet and security with someone special, but trusting is difficult. There are other things that are worse to struggle with, but those things happen to other people in their worlds. Your world is different from theirs, and so this is your worst, theres nothing wrong with feeling that way, or complaining about it.

 

The love and connection that you want will come, it'll take time, no matter how quick you want it, you can't rush it or yourself. Maybe try being friends first, then taking it on to the next level when you're ready, even though you may know how it'll end sometimes, doesn't mean you can't let yourself enjoy the ride while it lasts...you deserve that much..

I don't think you can make yourself like something you don't. You can however change what you like. It takes time and work and as you pointed out you first have to work on yourself before you can work on yourself plus a partner. Sometimes desensitization can help but it takes another person who is very understanding. I don't like to be touched but have gotten to the place where I can let someone hug me or shake my hand. I have always been able to touch or be touched by children. That never bothered me. Having said that, I have a five year old who is autistic and has no clue about personal space and on top of that hits and kicks and pinches and grabs non stop. He does not like to be touched but badly craves the deep pressure touch he gets when he hits etc. He is a  major trigger but over the years I have gotten better with it. I still do not like it but it is getting some easier. Please don't feel selfish for wanting something as 'normal' as a relationship. Even if it is just holding hands. It is so completely healthy to want that. You will get there. In time.

Thank you both.

I often feel the same way... I am 19 and its even harder when everyone around you can be in relationships but you know you can't. For it to be a healthy relationship I agree with you saying we need to work on ourselves alone before being with someone. It is not selfish at all to want this.

Just wanted you to know I understand...

Dani

May 2015

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