I keep fantasizing about that happy life everyone wants. A loving partner to share my deepest secrets with, to feel safe being intimate with, and to love and trust completely. I have always dreamed about getting married and having a family, but I can't stand kissing or being touched in even ways that are not intimate. I can't even tolerate most Dr. visits. My T and I haven't gotten into relationships in our discussions yet because it is still early and I know I need to work on myself alone before I can work on myself with someone, but I am 20. I want to be able to have an emotional and physical connection with someone and enjoy it, not torture myself with it.
I want to go out on a date and laugh, smile, have a good time with someone. Let them hold my hand at the very least. I can't even do that. I am not sure why, but I feel so selfish for wanting this. I feel like there are worse things to struggle with and I shouldn't complain about this one. But it hurts. I do not know how to change how I am though. How can you make yourself like something that you don't?