A few things I want to tell my "parents"
Some of this may trigger others so please take care if reading.
To my 'mother'
You said long ago that I was a mistake. You stated that you wished I had died when I was born instead of you having a hysterectomy. You are sorely mistaken. The only mistake you ever made was calling yourself a mother. That is until you started behaving like you were a victim. When I started legal action against my step father, who you were still married to, you had this 'woe is me' attitude. Well I am sorry to inform you of this but if ANYONE is to say 'woe is me' that would be ME. But I never did that.
You act like the victim but you never were, I was. And not only that but you were part of the reason I was a victim. So when you want to act all high and mighty and like you did the best you could it would serve you well to remember your neglect and non-chalant attitude about being a mother is what got me to be abused in the first place. You were complacent at best and at worst you enabled BOTH my abusers. You share the blame and the shame. You do not deserve to share the spotlight of mine, the one that shines for all the work I have done to repair the damage all three of you caused.
You never were the mother you claim to have been and the best you could hope for is to be HALF the woman I am today. I truly do wish you luck in this world, but you will need all the luck you can get. I forgive you for all the wrongs you helped to bring upon me and I just hope one day you can find your peace with God.
To my birth father,
You were a terrible person and so wrong in everything you did to me. You were the first person that was supposed to teach me about love, honor, respect and you were supposed to be my best protector. Instead you were the first person to tear me down. To damage me. You are everything a father should never be, everything a true man is NOT.
I often think if there was a handbook for how to be a parent that you would have read it and done everything opposite from the way it tries to guide you. You destroyed my sense of self, took the fight right out of me, destroyed my sense of trust justice and what is right in this world. You took my safety, innocence and child hood.
I just want you to know while you took the childhood I found my 'survivorhood'. You helped me to see everything a man should NOT be. Everything a father should NOT be. And everything you ever said about me I know now was never true. You damaged me but you did not destroy me, I am much too strong to let you do that.
I am sorry to have to be the one to tell you this but I have overcome everything you did to me. I know I am not the person you said I was. I know I am beautiful and smart, I know I am a wonderful person despite you.
I forgive you, as I forgave my mother. I don't forgive you because you want it. I don't forgive you because it is THE right thing to do. I forgive you because I want to and think it is the right thing to do for me. As long as I did not forgive you you had this stranglehold of control over me still, well that control is now gone. The power is taken back from you and given to me. My life is up to me now and you no longer have any say so in how I go about it or how it goes.
I hope you can one day find your peace with God as well, though I don't have faith you will.
To my step father,
You are perhaps the most despicable of the three. I truly believe my mother and father had no idea what they got into in being parents. They were like you in that way, none of you should have ever been in charge of a child. But here is how you are different...
You knew what my father did to me and you still tried to earn trust. My mothers trust and mine as well. When you were rewarded with that trust you violated it. You tried to take every little piece of me that was left and there wasn't much, or so I thought.
There is not much I can even say to you as most of it has been said before. One thing though...You told me once to go ahead and tell someone what you were doing to me. 'Go ahead and tell, no one will believe you' Well you are now sitting in prison on your sixth year and you have two more to go before you even have a chance at daylight, and believe me that chance is slim. Really? If I told no one would believe me? That just shows how truly warped your mind is. An entire state's justice system believed me. Deputies and detectives, lawyers and judges.
I bet you never thought I would take it that far. I bet you never knew that TRUE strength did not come with physical size, it comes with the size of your heart. You had no heart and soul and that is why I won this fight.
I have more spirit than you ever had a chance to try and have. I have a strength you have never seen. The best you can hope for anymore is to be forgiven and I do forgive you. I have forgiven you for my peace of mind, for my own well being of spirit. I hope one day you will have the chance to be the person you never were. You need to pray for some kind of salvation otherwise it is a road straight to purgatory.
That has been a long time coming. It has been 25 years since the first clearly known act of abuse by my father, 8 years of continuous abuse by him and it finally ended 15 years ago. 16 years ago my step father started abusing me, it continued for 3 years straight and ended 13 years ago. It is about time that I reclaimed me. I can finally say I am okay and mean it.