So lost and alone
I am 28 years old and my last instance of ab*se was 13 1/2 years ago, when I was about to turn 16..happy birthday to me! It started when I was 4 and I only had a few months worth of a break from it. The ab*se has been my identity. I was either surviving it, getting a break from it, disassociating from it, recovering from it or a wreck because of it. In some ways I have known nothing other than horror in my life.
The only beauty I have had in my life are my children. My beautiful blessings and angels. I love them so much and miss them so much. I conceived my daughter from my last att*ck. Five years after she was born I thought I had healed enough to decide to have a child and my son was conceived with my husband at the time.
They were the most beautiful souls anyone could ever hope to be blessed with. A glimmer of hope in the middle of a very dark world. I was stupid enough to mess it all up. I was so mixed up from the past and had so many issues that the county took my children from me, one at a time, slowly. Slowly it felt like my soul was dying. And only once I had lost everything.. My husband had died and my children were taken.. Only then did I realize how far I had come and how far I had to go.
I have gone to therapy for years, though I haven't been in quite a while. Every time I think I have made progress I feel like I am back at square one. I have days where I feel like the strongest person I know. And others I feel like curling up in a ball and crying would be the best thing for me.
I have a good life by most anyone's standards now. I have roof over my head, a job and a loving and wonderful boyfriend. And believe me I am so thankful for all my blessings. It just seems that every time I start to feel okay with my life as it is my child hood horror comes back to me.
I have PTSD and everything that goes along with it. I battle with depression, nightmares, mood swings and all consuming fear. All of these battles rage in a hurting head and heart and crystal clear memory in the middle of a world that will never know the real me. I get so tired trying to put on the happy face for the world. I'm always exhausted. I'm always scared.
I don't get why it comes back to haunt me as it does.. so long after it ended wouldn't you think I'd finally be okay? I don't know what to do. I just know that I want to feel like I'm not only okay but that I am making progress and healing. I don't want to feel like I'm so shattered and broken all the time. I don't like feeling like there is this endless hold on me.
I want the nightmares to stop. I want the hyper vigilance to go away. I don't want to feel like I'm always on guard. Sometimes it seems like the smallest things can make me fall apart and then other times it seems like I am so detached from the world. I don't know that I ever really have good days I think I just have days that are less bad.
Most of the time I feel like I can handle anything and I think back to the past "if I could make it through that I can make it through anything" and it keeps me driving on. I don't know anymore.
As I said before, I don't know what I am doing. I'm sure no one will even read this.. I just don't want to feel so lost and alone as I have my entire life...