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So lost and alone

Posted by Jennifer2782 , 29 October 2010 · 18 views

So this is my first blog and just another way for me to feel like I'm reaching out and trying to heal. Even though I have no idea what I am doing and no idea why this hasn't worked for so many years. Some of this could end up kind of triggering so please take gentle care while reading.

I am 28 years old and my last instance of ab*se was 13 1/2 years ago, when I was about to turn 16..happy birthday to me! It started when I was 4 and I only had a few months worth of a break from it. The ab*se has been my identity. I was either surviving it, getting a break from it, disassociating from it, recovering from it or a wreck because of it. In some ways I have known nothing other than horror in my life.

The only beauty I have had in my life are my children. My beautiful blessings and angels. I love them so much and miss them so much. I conceived my daughter from my last att*ck. Five years after she was born I thought I had healed enough to decide to have a child and my son was conceived with my husband at the time.

They were the most beautiful souls anyone could ever hope to be blessed with. A glimmer of hope in the middle of a very dark world. I was stupid enough to mess it all up. I was so mixed up from the past and had so many issues that the county took my children from me, one at a time, slowly. :tear: Slowly it felt like my soul was dying. And only once I had lost everything.. My husband had died and my children were taken.. Only then did I realize how far I had come and how far I had to go.

I have gone to therapy for years, though I haven't been in quite a while. Every time I think I have made progress I feel like I am back at square one. I have days where I feel like the strongest person I know. And others I feel like curling up in a ball and crying would be the best thing for me.

I have a good life by most anyone's standards now. I have roof over my head, a job and a loving and wonderful boyfriend. And believe me I am so thankful for all my blessings. It just seems that every time I start to feel okay with my life as it is my child hood horror comes back to me.

I have PTSD and everything that goes along with it. I battle with depression, nightmares, mood swings and all consuming fear. All of these battles rage in a hurting head and heart and crystal clear memory in the middle of a world that will never know the real me. I get so tired trying to put on the happy face for the world. I'm always exhausted. I'm always scared.

I don't get why it comes back to haunt me as it does.. so long after it ended wouldn't you think I'd finally be okay? I don't know what to do. I just know that I want to feel like I'm not only okay but that I am making progress and healing. I don't want to feel like I'm so shattered and broken all the time. I don't like feeling like there is this endless hold on me.

I want the nightmares to stop. I want the hyper vigilance to go away. I don't want to feel like I'm always on guard. Sometimes it seems like the smallest things can make me fall apart and then other times it seems like I am so detached from the world. I don't know that I ever really have good days I think I just have days that are less bad.

Most of the time I feel like I can handle anything and I think back to the past "if I could make it through that I can make it through anything" and it keeps me driving on. I don't know anymore.

As I said before, I don't know what I am doing. I'm sure no one will even read this.. I just don't want to feel so lost and alone as I have my entire life...



Oh Jen,


Your entry had made me :tear:

I so agree and understand with what you are saying. Earlier in my life, when I was taking drugs, I was working full time/casual. Every now and then, for reasons I could not explain, I would feel so damned exhausted that I could not get out of bed. I would take days off work - and eventually found myself going through many employers. Friends and colleagues all thought I was just lazy - where it got to the point where I actually thought I was! Little did I know, something deep down inside of me was festering - something very dark. I spend a lot of time these days in that darkness and wonder why I ever gave up the drugs...Psychiatrists only give me drugs that make me feel drowsy during the day, and hyper at night. I've tried changing the doses, and tried changing the times I take them - nothing seems to help. It's like they don't listen. I tell them I'm so angry inside - constantly. There is a dark demon inside of me that scares the hell out of me. He comes out in my nightmares and frightens me. All the psychiatrists ask me is if I want to kill/hurt myself. Well no, I don't want to, but at times, that demon is so provocative. I do so hope I'm making sense here. I guess I'm seeking understanding as well. Validation.

I guess I just wanted to let you know that, whilst you feel lost and alone? I won't lie to you. There are always going to be times like this. Times we feel so joyous, yet next minute, so down. I'm waiting for them to invent a forget-me-not pill. Something we can take that destroys memories - boy, wouldn't THAT be something? I've raved on enough....

:hug: :hug: 's your way (if okay)
Take Care
Your Friend
Trudy
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Iammealways
Oct 30 2010 01:28 AM
I hope you are enjoying life. Sounds like you need to. Take care.

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