Another one for today
I have to admit that even though I have felt lately like I was knocked all the way back to square one, I wasn't really. I had never really understood before my T's comments about this. About how I would feel like I was back at the beginning but really wasn't. Today I downloaded the free pdf of Ressurection After Rape. Early on, it has a list of how you can recognize recovery, stuff like facing the thoughts of the rape rather than avoiding them, valuing your body, etc. Even though it hurts that it ended, that is exactly what my relationship with my ex-bf was all about: my choices, valuing myself, and so on. I think I am, in some sense, "recovered." Not completely. I have to admit being around me, having to deal with me in my healing process, is a daunting task. But, if my ex-bf is no longer willing or able to support me in this process, it is better that we are not together. So, even though I feel like I've been knocked all the way back, I haven't been. The sadness I feel is natural when something like this ends. I am facing the sadness rather than just acting as if he hasn't called me in a while and any minute the phone will ring. And we come to the crux of the matter, why am I so upset? Well, part of it is because I think I had been feeling like my ex-bf had taken away the choice--he chose to end the relationship, thus cutting me out of the decision, and cut off communication so I couldn't argue the point. Kind of like a little kid who, all of a sudden, doesn't like something about his playmates and says, "That's it! I'm taking my toys and going home!" So, I felt as if I was powerless. I just had to find my power in all this. It took me a bit, but I found it. I chose a point where I was going to stop contacting him; I tried one last phone call, one last text, and called it quits. My decision. I have decided that to be gentle to myself, and to be true to the fact that I still think he is a decent person and a friend, I am going to hope that he might decide to contact me this weekend. I am not contacting him at all. Again, my choice. After that, I'll just let myself continue to grieve for the lost relationship. But I am choosing how to deal with this. I'm giving myself this weekend because I really did feel like there was a lot of worth to that relationship and it was founded on us being friends first and I didn't want to loose that, and I thought was I wasn't going to. I have a lot to thank him for. Looking back on our time together, it was clear that I made a lot of progress, not really because of him exactly, but he helped. I was thinking of writing him a letter, not to send to him, just expressing everything I didn't get to say, just because I need to say it. Funnily enough, that is one of the signs of recovery I guess, saying something because you need to say it. What difference would it make if I got to say all this directly to him? Maybe not much, because he's made his choice already. So, if I just write it down, process it, and then let it leave me, I will probably feel much better.
The only other thing, the thing that hurts the most, is that my youngest son has left to live with his dad. It's not far away, and I'll be seeing him, but it still hurts that he has chosen to live with my abuser. It's not permanent, though, thank goodness.