Sigh. I am trying not to look back, but it is hard. Looking ahead is very scary. I was having trouble right before my boyfriend broke up with me with some strange stuff...feeling like my abuser was messing with the back of my neck like he used to do, I call it the "creepy neck" feeling. So when he broke up with me I lost the one person I felt comfortable discussing this with you didn't think I was crazy discussing it. I looked back through my old journal entries and found out that I had the same problem last year almost to the day! I can't connect the creepy feeling with any particular memories but obviously there is something there! An AV that my brain won't let me remember yet I suppose. So put that together with the breakup PLUS my youngest son is going to live with his dad for a while (hurts me a lot) and guess what....his dad is the one who abused me! The hurt cuts me so bad right now I can hardly stand it. I broke down last night and couldn't stop crying. Once I saw that I had had the "creepy neck" feeling before and recognized it, it started to dissipate. Now my neck bothers me a little but I think that is because the muscles were tensed so much, all the tension is making me ache. I can deal with that. I just feel so confused. And hurt. In my messed up IPSA mind I am thinking that this breakup proves to me that I am not worth anything more than a sexual object. I just don't understand.