life update, could use a hug.
I'm poorer than I've ever been. Its ok, I moved to a new place, got a much lower paying job, I sort of anticipated this but it's still hard. My health is suffereing because of it, I've developed a pretty significant diabetes complication and its forcing me to really look at how I take care of myself. I've had type one diabetes for the majority of my life, and for the last 10 yrs its been wildly out of control. Its not that I don't know how to take care of myself- I am very informed on my illness. Its more like the depression, the anxiety, the on off eating issues, the PTSD etc. cause a huge roadblock to self care. Like I don't care most of the time, and I can't make myself care...and now I had to live with the permanent reprecussions. Yet, changing now seems even more impossible than ever. Mentally and financially too, as I am terribly underinsured. I got on Obamacare but it wont kick in until the new year. So now I wait and grow more hopeless.
I've also been having a lot of PTSD stuff come up lately, to the point where its hard for me to be around men at all. I think this is the first time that's ever happened...usually I deal with PTSD and SA stuff by being really promiscuious. but at the moment the thought of being alone in a room with someone makes my skin crawl and makes me want to throw up. I feel like I can feel every inch of my putrid flesh as it rots and I feel like every man can see it, can smell it, knows that I am weak, damaged. I can;t seem to find any relief from it, and I keep making plans with friends but then I cancel them and I seem flaky but it makes no sense when I am like "Hi I can't go out because i feel like a corpse that is decomposing with every minute."
I also continue to get invasive texts and emails from my ex boyfriend (for the record the only non abusive boyfriend I've ever had, at least he wasn't abusive when we were actually dating.) Its been about 8 months since we broke up and I havent responded to a single one...yet they keep coming. Its creepy and makes me worried that he's lost it and maybe he'll snap one day and hunt me down or something. It doesn't help my new phobia of men.
I don't know what to do. I have no hope for my life, I've had so much treatment and therapy and everything, I mean I've been in therapy since I was 6 yrs old. and my physical health declining, i mean even if i did get better, how much time would i have to enjoy a quality life when I've already done so much damage?
Here's the worst part. I can't stop thinking about one of my abusers. I still love him. Years later I just want to call him and have him comfort me. He would, but it would lead to him manipulating me into having sex with him, like the last time I saw him? "Don't you want to feel safe like you used to?" I did. I do.