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sick, alone

Posted by etchasketch , 18 September 2013 · 143 views

Things are kind of rough. I'm feeling really hopeless about my future.
I just took a leap and moved to a brand new city. It's good - I think I am in the right place but naturally there is an adjustment period. It's just all this other stuff that is going on that is making it more difficult. What's the old adage- "wherever you go, there you are?" The same old baggage follows me...
I dated a guy for a few months before I left, I wasn't super into it, but it seemed nice, safe, comfortable, healthy - maybe the first healthy relationship I've ever been in- so it seemed at the time. But when I felt generally meh about it and deicded to end it (plus I was moving) all hell broke loose. Fast foward five months later and I'm still receiving nearly daily texts and emails, he has harassed my firends and even my little sister. My worst abuser became my stalker after all of the physical stuff so being harassed like this brings up a lot for me.
I started dating a guy I really liked here in my new city. He dumped me, and his reasoning was taht i am "too slutty" and "girls like you aren't good for relationships." You can imagine the survivor issues this has brought up. I feel like my skin has been crawling with my own filth since then. At this point, I can't imagine ever trying to date anyone ever again. Not just because of this guy, but because of all of them. I feel like I'm grieving- greiving the potential I had to be loved, to meet someone that treats me well and that I would want to be with for a long time...I can't imagine being open to any of that anymore. It just seems to invite more abuse and trauma into my life.
I've also been having health issues since I moved and spent part of the weekend in the hospital. My chronic illness is out of control but I am too poor to do anything about it. I've been working ilke crazy but I'm paying a second rent for private insurance and that actually leaves me no money to get my prescriptions and otehr things I need to be healthy- its a real catch 22. I guess its good I had insurance though because my ER visit this weekend would have cost me so much...
So basically I am feeling like I'm going to be sick and alone forever.

I was in a similar non-dating mode for a long time. I dated two people in highschool and just didnt want to deal with it after that. So I would just tell guys that I dont date and if they pushed the issue like a jerk I'd make them feel like a jerk by telling them why, 5+years of childhood sexual assault. That usually jolted there brains from being in the mindset of, "lets get some game, whos on the market" to "oh crap, im sorry, who was it so i can kill them?" It changes their perspective and some good friendships can be started or it reveals that they are class A assuoles that are self absorbed, so it thins out the competition pretty quick. Once your comfortable having males as friends, and they know your story- i say that only because i believe honesty is the mey to a healthy relationship- it will be easier for you to see who has the right characteristics you want in your life partner. And if uou do find someone, you can initiate the relationship on uour terms. They know what theyre getting into bcause they know you and your history and you know them and that they cn handle whatever baggage or issues you may still have from your experiences. I spent two years as friends with my husband and when his gf at the time dumped him due to distance, I took a chance with him and it only took 6 months before we got married. Its been almost two years now and we still feel like honeymooners. Obviosly everyones situations are different, but I just thought Id share my philosophy and story to hopefully let you know that not all men are jerks or abusers, but do be judicious and careful, time is the best indicator to seeing how a person really is.

March 2015

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