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So so so sad

Posted by etchasketch , 12 March 2011 · 108 views

I've been signing onto Pandy's almost daily for the last 2 months, but I can't figure out what to write. I have a lot going on. I am feeling something so deep- pain? It's not quite pain. Its just very intense.
I broke up with my boyfriend of five years. It just sort of happened. It was an endless cycle of emotional abuse...I don't know. I would write more about it but I'm tired of explaining, of thinking about it. My friends and family were very happy when I told them, my co-workers gave me a round of applause. I guess I should trust them, they were the ones that saw the way he treated me.
For the first week after we broke up I felt manic, uncontrollably euphoric, powerful. I went out everynight, I couldn't sleep, I had so much energy. I think it was just knowing that I wouldn't have to have his negative energy and resentment weighing heavily on me everyday...everything I did all day was just for me and would not be judged by him...it was a freeing feeling. In that one week I actually accomplished several career goals I've had for years and have been afraid to try to do..so I guess that says a lot too...
I'm sad this week though. I guess it is normal. I have such amazing friends who are checking in with me and looking out for me...how do people break up? how do you let yourself get so close to another person and then boom they are gone from your life? I know its for the best, but its still very weird. And I feel so guilty. I miss the person he was when we first met, almost 6 yrs ago. I have to accept that people change. I've been chasing that person for years...he is not real and he was never coming back.
I spent so much time thnking about how to keep my boyfriend happy, how to be okay for him, how to stifle certain aspects of my life so that he wouldn't get mad at me (not that it worked anyway) ...those rituals were very numbing for me. That was all I had to focus on all day. It was like when I was really in the middle of my battle with an ED...I didn't have to feel anything, I didn't have to think about my abuse or whatever...I remember my first day in treatment I was so overwhelmed with emotions..and that is how I feel right now. I am sitting on my couch sobbing thinking about everything- not even my recent break up but my trauma, stuff from years ago, past abuser, past failures, it is all flooding in right now. And it is so hard. I feel like I can't even survive this tonight. I don't know what I need. If I wanted to I could call a friend right now but I just feel so stuck. How can I even explain this, it would not make sense to a normal person- "Hi I am falling apart because I broke up with my boyfriend and now all I can think of is every single failure and I can't stop flashbacks of sexual abuse that happened years before I even met this boyfriend and its all totally unrelated but its making me want to die please talk to me? " :/

Mar 12 2011 08:11 PM
Hi etchasketch. I am totally new here and have not even introduced myself and I dont know that I can offer much help, maybe we can help each other. I read your blog and one thing I have learned recently is to look at your strengths and what all you have accomplished in just the short time he has been gone.
I can relate to what you are going through, let me tell you abit about my story. I am 42 and have been in a dead end relationship for 5 years as well. Not so much abusive, but excessive bad habits. I chose to go back to school as my children are grown and thought that I was healed from my past abuse as a child. But even as of tonight I find that the feelings are coming back and I thought I had processed them all. I just recently had a sister tell me she would love for me to come live with her, and I have never had that open door and I finding my self wanting to end the 5 year relationship (no intamacy at all) because I just dont crave it anymore; and leave my life behind and go start over in a new state with my sister. I dont know what to do, im sitting her loathing in my own self pity, too many choices and not sure i will make the right one?
>Anyhow, I read your story and sensed a very professional lady with alot of GREAT support around her! Grasp ahold of that LOVE and stay focused on YOU!!! Call that friend and live NEVER looking backwards. I dont know you but I sense your strength for finally leaving him and STANDING on your own! Take Care

You're going to be alright hon! It sounds like you're grieving the loss of your relationship and with that it's bringing up so much more of your past sorrows as well. It's okay to be sad. In time you may see this as your family and co-workers do but at this moment in time all you see is what might have been.

Sending you gentle Posted Image Posted Image Posted Image and Much Love!
Mar 16 2011 04:09 AM
Thank you all for the replies, I can't tell you how much it means to me. I feel like I am thinking a lot clearer (less emotionally) this week...I know in my head that I made the right choice and also that this is a huge step for me, personally. I guess break ups and major changes in routine are just always hard.

July 2016

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