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Posted by etchasketch , 15 January 2011 · 40 views

I haven't had therapy in three weeks. First, there was the holiday and the office wasnt open..then my therapist's kid was sick, then there was a snow emergency last week. I am going crazy. I'm thinking about checking myself in somewhere because I feel really suicidal for the first time in...about a year. I know that they will be screwed at work if I do that though so...
My boyfriend and I are not doing well and this is making me so sad. I think we might be heading towards a break up..or I might preemptively break us up being all this fighting hurts so much. You would think after 5 years that he would love me unconditionally, but he does not. That hurts a lot. I have a lot of rules that I have to stick to in our relationship, to control his moodiness and temper. I know its not fair but I keep thinking he will magically turn into a nice guy who genuinely cares about me. At this point though...after 5 yrs...my head knows better than my heart does. The situation is triggering me left and right and a lot of the time I can't even get a grip on reality. I'm losing time, i'm hysterical for hours, i feel so awful. Why can't i have a nice boyfriend ? Why am i always chosen by men who want to hurt me? It makes me hate myself so much. It makes me feel like there is no point to going on, there will always be someone hurting me. My worthlessness is apparent to all I guess.

December 2014

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