It's just hard to think of things to write. In therapy we've been talking about relationships a lot, analyzing why I choose abusive men over and over again, talking about the sort of relationships that were modelled for me when I was a child (aka my parents relationship). Talking about that has been difficult. I have never talked about it before, to anyone.
To be clear, I had a humble but great childhood. My parents loved me and my siblings more than anything, and would do anything in their power to give us the things we needed. Even now, my relationship with my parents is great.
The relationship between my mom and my dad however, has always been dysfunctional. My dad is best described by the confusing paradox of "best dad in the world but worst husband in the world." I mean, he's not the worst. But I cannot ever remember my parents acting lovingly towards eachother. Ever. Not even now. They have never said I love you, kissed, hugged, held hands, anything. Just fighting. I remember a lot of yelling. I remember my dad calling my mom horrible names, I remember many instances as a child in which my dad would storm out and I would understand he was going to be with another woman. My mom is the most selfless person in the world and does EVERYTHING for him...to a degrading level. I went home this past weekend my dad was still talking to me about what a "stupid bitch" my mom is..over and over again. I never wanted to be in a relationship like that. But somehow I continually end up in relationships like that..and relationships worse than that.
Part of me feels horrible guilt for admitting all this stuff about my dad in therapy..my dad is so selfless when it comes to me and my siblings..but growing up watching him emotionally and verbally abuse my mom has had more of an effect on me than I thought..its not the worst situation and I feel guilty for bringing it up here and in therapy..its just something that I am thinking about..