Pandora's Aquarium: Still fighting - Pandora's Aquarium

I am okay. I have my days. My perpetrator is still trying to convince me it wasn't rape. Lots of messed up stuff was told to me as a kid, and I'm fighting that off now. Having trust issues. Feeling afraid that I will get hurt again. My therapist is mad at me for crying about it. Feeling confused. My parents left me when I was young as well after a CSA situation. I guess that means, that I have dealt better than they could, because I had to face things and it was easier for them to leave. Raped again in my life. Perpetrator called and degraded me in front of other guys. Feeling ashamed to be a woman. Wondering if it's okay to mourn what was lost now. A good friend of mine said to me indirectly, "you don't have to be what they wanted, because it wasn't in the best interest for you." He is a good friend and surprisingly as a guy, very understanding. Feel like a failure in my life, because my sister has it together and I'm still struggling. That's how I felt-alone wondering if this was supposed to happen. But now, I have a good friend helping me. Because, everyone had left me to face this by myself for while, didn't realize that it would be this bad. Maybe I thought I deserved it. That's what I'm fighting-saying I didn't deserve this. I am reclaiming the little girl and woman who was hurt and taking care of her now. Thanks, dear guy friend.