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For December



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Baby

Posted by xRainx , 24 January 2011 · 154 views

I don't know why this has been weighing on my mind lately. Maybe it's my friend mentioning she wants a baby. Maybe it's all the Plan B commercials that pop up on Bravo. I'm not even sure what this feeling is...

Of course I didn't want to have their kid. The first was a stranger and the second, my roommate, but I did not have a choice...


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Trying

Posted by xRainx , 20 January 2011 · 93 views

I'm trying so hard to be happy. Everyone says, "Just don't think about it." or "Try to be happy today." I AM trying. I'm trying very hard. But the more I fake it the worse I'm feeling. I nearly can't conceal it anymore.

I know they didn't let me go from my job because of me. They both explained how much they wante...


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My Story, Pt III

Posted by xRainx , 10 January 2011 · 86 views

Not too graphic but may trigger. Thank you for continuing on the final part.

It took me four months, and badgering from friends, to tell the police. I couldn't even do it myself. AK had to arrange it. I felt so small standing in that police station, like I was naked with the word "victim" tattoed down my body. I think I counted to about 400...


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Bar

Posted by xRainx , 08 January 2011 · 74 views

After I've had 2 beers and 2 shots of tequila, you re-comfirm my name. I'm not even trying to get to know you. You went to my school, but you are my friend's friend. You keep trying to convince me that I am drunk. I know I'm not. But it's what you want. A pretty drunk girl. It's what they all want.


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How

Posted by xRainx , 07 January 2011 · 91 views

I loved you. You loved me. You weren't suppose to hurt me. You were suppose to be different. You know everything about me. Everything. You are the first person I trusted since I was raped.

You were the boy I tried to bring home when I decided that I need to take that control back. We were really drunk, so we decided to walk from the party the miles...


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Sin

Posted by xRainx , 26 December 2010 · 81 views

I've been raped. Have I committed a sin?

I found this while searching for what the Bible says about rape:



I do blame myself. I feel like I am not longer "pure". Yes, I didn't choose to be with him. But that doesn't change the fact that he was with me. My husband will not longer be the first. The thought of that kills me.

But I h...


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My Story, Pt II

Posted by xRainx , 26 December 2010 · 62 views

Not too graphic but may trigger.

At the beginning of December, I went to the bar with my house mates and some classmates. After a long day of classes and a midterm, we wanted to celebrate leaving for the holidays.

I don't remember leaving the bar. I remember waking up in N's(girl) bed, and my underwear felt wet. In the morning we were close to...


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My Story, Pt I

Posted by xRainx , 25 December 2010 · 60 views

I'm going to try to get the nerve to post this in My Story, but for now, I'll leave it here.

Iíve been keeping this pent up because anytime Iíve been brave enough to try to talk about it, no one wants to listen. Iím going to explode if I donít get this out. The 18th of this month made nine month since I last SI. It also marks the day that he can...


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Rain

Posted by xRainx , in quote 24 December 2010 · 104 views

"I thought maybe the rain would wash away some of this gloom that's following me, but right now every drop that hits my face is even more depressing."

-Edward Elric, The Fullmetal Alchemist


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Anniversary

Posted by xRainx , 04 December 2010 · 76 views

Today. Today is the day. A year ago I was sitting in Ajay's living room, staring at his tv. I don't remember what we were watching, because I wasn't watching it. He didn't know why I was silent. He didn't know that Bridget and I just spent the entire day in the hospital.

It's been a year since I was r*ped. It still hurts. I still...


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They found him guilty

Posted by xRainx , 29 November 2010 · 99 views

November 18th, 8 months and a day after I reported to police/6 months since the hearing/ about 4 months and some day since I got the results of his appeal, I finally summoned the courage to look at them.

It was late, so I couldn't have a friend sit with me, but one of my best friends from school sat with me via facebook chat. She kept reassuring me...


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Virginity pt II

Posted by xRainx , 16 November 2010 · 94 views

Shared this in chat today. Might as well post it, so I can remind myself when I get really down about it.

":: deep breath :: That was the hardest part for me. When I was 14 I made a commentment to wait until I was married. I was 23, in grad school and felt like he took that from me. I felt very damaged, used, and no good to my future husband anymore...


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So f'n sick of this

Posted by xRainx , 11 November 2010 · 65 views

I had a breakdown in the shower. I heard his voice in my head, telling the panel of strangers what he did to me. The suddenly I couldn't stand and I couldn't breathe. I couldn't get up. I could only think of him and everything since then. I felt so dirty. No matter how long I kneeled there, I couldn't get myself to feel clean.

I'm so...


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Sigh

Posted by xRainx , 10 November 2010 · 88 views

More and more I want to just crawl into bed and resign from the world. When I come home for work I just want to take something to make me sleep until I have to get up and drudge through the next craptacular day.

I don't take anything because I don't trust myself enough just yet.

Why can't I snap out of this?


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Walk Away

Posted by xRainx , in poem 05 November 2010 · 120 views

I'm sorry, but
I can't be fixed
I'm falling into pieces
fine as shards of glass
washing away
on currents so swift
You can try
catch me if you can
But I'm sorry
I can't be fixed
No matter what I do
no matter what I've tried
I'll float away
on breezes, be carried
like specks of dust
You can breathe me
if you want
But I feel...


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October 26, 2010: Overwhelmed

Posted by xRainx , in backdated entry 04 November 2010 · 78 views

This makes month seven since the last time I cut myself. I feel like I've only lasted this long because I'm doing it for others and not myself.

Yesterday was close, I just couldn't calm down.

So much is going on. It's too hard to handle. The main problems:
+car tried to kill me on the freeway. Now it's sitting in the mechanics. I...


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October 18, 2010: Health

Posted by xRainx , in backdated entry 04 November 2010 · 71 views

I didn't have all these f*cking health problems until he f+cked me....my hips got bigger too.


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October 18, 2010: Seven Months

Posted by xRainx , in backdated entry 04 November 2010 · 69 views

No SI. Happy 7 months. I guess...


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August 17, 2010: Scars

Posted by xRainx , in backdated entry 04 November 2010 · 67 views

The scars on my wrist are beginning to fade. But I can still see where my skin was separated.


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August 1, 2010: A list of everything

Posted by xRainx , in backdated entry 04 November 2010 · 86 views

An exercise on the post board:

Okay so I know what it's like you want to confront your abuser with a list of EVERYTHING he/she has put you through. Believe me writing it as a list is harder than it looks but here's a chance to be able to let it all out.

It's okay to list what you remember, then come back and repost the rest as another commen...






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