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Eff memories

Posted by xRainx , 02 July 2013 · 129 views

I'm having one of those days where the I cannot close the floodgates to my memories. People and things I have managed to not think of are pouring back on top of me right now.

After I got hurt the first time, my sexual sense of worth did decrease. But after I was raped in graduate school, who I was completely broke. I let people use me. It was more difficult to say no. While there was never full intercourse, it felt dirty all the same. I should have said no to them. I should have walked away, but I just lied there and let them do what they wanted to do. I'm sure they think so little of me for that.

I don't want to think of their names or their faces, but I feel so ashamed. I feel disgusting. I feel like I don't deserve the man I have now. I told him I was a virgin which was true, because I never consented to intercourse. Never, not once. But, my goodness, sometimes it is difficult to feel like one.

He knows about the rape, the assault, and has handled it so wonderfully, but if I told him about all the other stuff, what would he think of me? Would it taint who I am to him.

How do I find peace from this?



Hoping you find peace soon. You are worth the peace. You ARE of worth.
Thank you, Orchid.
Thanks Stephanie. I appreciate it. I hope you find peace and acceptance as well.

It is frustrating sometimes. I hate when we try to be close and I get triggered. I try to tell him it has nothing to do with him, but he always thinks it is his fault. I hate that my past muddles things so much :: sigh ::

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Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. is not intended to be a substitute for professional assistance. All members and visitors are encouraged to establish a relationship with a trained counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist. Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. offers rape and sexual abuse survivor-to-survivor support only. Despite any qualifications staff or members possess, they are not engaged in a professional relationship with any other member. Survivors in crisis are urged to seek local help by contacting 911 or their local rape crisis center. Use of this website constitutes acceptance of the Terms of Service located here.