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Fear of moving on...

Posted by xRainx , 07 February 2011 · 148 views

I signed on and came across a blog that said exactly how I am feeling tonight. I hope the blogger is okay with me quoting from the post.

"It's actually been pretty good today. But I am hesitant to say that. I think that, for all of the bad days I've been having lately, I've been having more good days. Which doesn't sit well with me.

I'm not used to good days. I feel like I've made progress, but I just feel uncomfortable having good days. I know I should just let myself feel them, and I'm trying to just let the ok feeling be. To feel it, to be ok with it...

I think that I am always expecting to struggle, to have difficulties. Memories, flashbacks, nightmares. Panic attacks and depression. Horrible anxiety, and not caring about anything, not even myself. Wanting to be self destructive. All of that has been such a part of my life, for so long.

It's like, I have to learn how to live all over again. Like, I have to introduce myself to the positive me, like I have to say, welcome to my life. When I'm having good days like today they still feel so foreign, so strange."

My response:

"I signed on tonight to write about this very thing. I guess I was meant to read your blog.

I'm not sure why we feel this way. I know I want to be better, so why is there hesitancy in my heart? I guess I feel that if I let it go, I feel like I am accepting what was done to me. I know they can't feel the guilt I'm placing on them, but if I don't think bad of them, who will?"

Feb 07 2011 03:20 PM
Maybe, in a way, it is accepting what was done to us. Which really makes me bristle. I don't want to accept it, even though I know in my heart that there is nothing I can do to change the fact that I was raped.

My therapist and I discussed that monster at length today. And I don't think he will ever feel that guilt, I think he is incapable. I don't know who it is that will think bad of them. In my case, I think that no one will, unless they have survived him like I have. Which makes me so very mad.

I think maybe we just come to a point in our healing where we start having more good days, and feeling better, being able to be better, and that as we do, that hesitancy will diminish. Regardless of them and what they did to us. And I think that speaks to the courage and strength we have as survivors.
Hello Missophelia,

I'm glad you were able to talk that out with your therapist. I really hope the good days start to outweigh the bad days. Though sometimes when I have that one bad day as opposed to a string of dark days, that one bad day seems to be even harder.

:: sigh ::

I hope that you are having more good days.

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