Fear of moving on...
"It's actually been pretty good today. But I am hesitant to say that. I think that, for all of the bad days I've been having lately, I've been having more good days. Which doesn't sit well with me.
I'm not used to good days. I feel like I've made progress, but I just feel uncomfortable having good days. I know I should just let myself feel them, and I'm trying to just let the ok feeling be. To feel it, to be ok with it...
I think that I am always expecting to struggle, to have difficulties. Memories, flashbacks, nightmares. Panic attacks and depression. Horrible anxiety, and not caring about anything, not even myself. Wanting to be self destructive. All of that has been such a part of my life, for so long.
It's like, I have to learn how to live all over again. Like, I have to introduce myself to the positive me, like I have to say, welcome to my life. When I'm having good days like today they still feel so foreign, so strange."
"I signed on tonight to write about this very thing. I guess I was meant to read your blog.
I'm not sure why we feel this way. I know I want to be better, so why is there hesitancy in my heart? I guess I feel that if I let it go, I feel like I am accepting what was done to me. I know they can't feel the guilt I'm placing on them, but if I don't think bad of them, who will?"