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bellachai and xRainx like this
Posted by xRainx  
Hello,

Thank you for reading this. This is a difficult for me to write because I’m having to re-live two of the worst moments of my life: losing my virginity to rape by MP. and the judicial hearing that followed. But I thank you for giving me the opportunity to continue to voice the truth.

On December 4th, 2009, MP made the decision to rape me...
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It's been awhile...

29 May 2012
Posted by xRainx  
It has been awhile... a long while since I have posted on this site. It has been even longer since I have been able to read the post or participate in chat. I use to be a regular fixture in here ...

I have been ok for the most part. At least I think I have been ok. I can't remember the last time I have had a hard cry and I have still managed...
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September baby

06 September 2011
Posted by xRainx  
There was never a baby. I took the emergency contraceptives and I found his condom on the floor. So there was never a baby.

But it is so hard for me to not think of the fact that this week would have been it's first birthday. It is hard for me to not lie awake, thinking I feel something moving inside me. It is hard for me to not think that I...
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8/12

13 August 2011
Posted by xRainx  
Yesterday, I turned 25.
Today, I got my first tattoo. A survivor tattoo.


I never thought I would even make it to this age. But right now, I am actually happy that I am here.

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hello again

19 June 2011
Posted by xRainx  
I don't know why it has been awhile since I have logged on here. Things have been happening, but it hasn't been worse than before. I guess I am not sure what it is that I need. Friendship, that would help. But friends are only a temporary distraction. When I go home, it's like the mask falls off and I have a hard time holding back all...
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Hair

09 May 2011
Posted by xRainx   in poem
I cut my hair
It was long
healthy
pretty
Every beautician
I've ever had
said so
Now it's short
straight
less manageable
ugly

But I cut my hair
Because it was
a part of a look
that he found pretty
And I couldn't stand
being her
anymore

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Who am I?

15 April 2011
Posted by xRainx  
I want to throw up. I want to throw up and I want to cut.

I love him. He loves me. I don't regret being with him (we didn't have sex), but when I learn new things that happened when we were drunk, it still makes me upset. How much was because of my feelings for him and how much because of me intense desire to regain that control?

I...
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Interview

30 March 2011
Posted by xRainx  
I have a job interview this Friday. It is something that I have been wanting for two months now because I really need money to pay my bills. It's not a dream job or anything; the job is just something that fits under my degree.

I should be working on the copy editing test they sent me. I should be focusing on what I'm going to say in the...
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One Year...

18 March 2011
Posted by xRainx  
:trigger:
[color=#444444][font=arial, verdana, tahoma,...
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Thought Process

16 March 2011
Posted by xRainx  
I realize today that I spend a majority of my wishful thinking wishing that I went to the police right away, that I pushed harder for the detective to work my case, that I wasn't so scared to see justice, that I let him see at my weakest during the hearing, that I didn't tell off the people who turned against me....

Why don't I...
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Not again...

07 March 2011
Posted by xRainx  
It's bad enough that I am having a hard time believing that guys see more in me than a sexual object, but now a female friend of 12 years tries to make me touch her. I don't know how to process this. What is it about me? When will this all end?

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Friends

17 February 2011
Posted by xRainx  
My friends have not said it, but I feel like some of them are getting tired of me being "down" all the time. My best friend still offers to do things to cheer me up, but I still don't think they really understand that the hour or so we spend together will not change how I feel when I'm by myself at night.

I really wish I knew...
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From: Virginity

08 February 2011
Posted by xRainx  
I so so so so sooooo hope so. http://www.pandys.or...default/sad.gif
[quote name='Juda' date='06 February 2011 - 12:10 PM' timestamp='1297015802' post='1342071']
I am so sorry that this happened to you. God knows that YOU didn't do the wrong. He knows your heart and while...
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Fear of moving on...

07 February 2011
Posted by xRainx  
I signed on and came across a blog that said exactly how I am feeling tonight. I hope the blogger is okay with me quoting from the post.


"It's actually been pretty good today. But I am hesitant to say that. I think that, for all of the bad days I've been having lately, I've been having more good days. Which doesn't sit well...
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Baby

24 January 2011
Posted by xRainx  
I don't know why this has been weighing on my mind lately. Maybe it's my friend mentioning she wants a baby. Maybe it's all the Plan B commercials that pop up on Bravo. I'm not even sure what this feeling is...

Of course I didn't want to have their kid. The first was a stranger and the second, my roommate, but I did not have a...
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Trying

20 January 2011
Posted by xRainx  
I'm trying so hard to be happy. Everyone says, "Just don't think about it." or "Try to be happy today." I AM trying. I'm trying very hard. But the more I fake it the worse I'm feeling. I nearly can't conceal it anymore.

I know they didn't let me go from my job because of me. They both explained how...
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My Story, Pt III

10 January 2011
Posted by xRainx  
Not too graphic but may trigger. Thank you for continuing on the final part.

It took me four months, and badgering from friends, to tell the police. I couldn't even do it myself. AK had to arrange it. I felt so small standing in that police station, like I was naked with the word "victim" tattoed down my body. I think I...
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Bar

08 January 2011
Posted by xRainx  
After I've had 2 beers and 2 shots of tequila, you re-comfirm my name. I'm not even trying to get to know you. You went to my school, but you are my friend's friend. You keep trying to convince me that I am drunk. I know I'm not. But it's what you want. A pretty drunk girl. It's what they all want.

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How

07 January 2011
Posted by xRainx  
I loved you. You loved me. You weren't suppose to hurt me. You were suppose to be different. You know everything about me. Everything. You are the first person I trusted since I was raped.

You were the boy I tried to bring home when I decided that I need to take that control back. We were really drunk, so we decided to walk from the party...
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Sin

26 December 2010
Posted by xRainx  
I've been raped. Have I committed a sin?

I found this while searching for what the Bible says about rape:

[quote]Many rape victims blame themselves for the rape. "I led him on." "My skirt was too short." "I was drinking."...
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bellachai and xRainx like this

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Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. is not intended to be a substitute for professional assistance. All members and visitors are encouraged to establish a relationship with a trained counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist. Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. offers rape and sexual abuse survivor-to-survivor support only. Despite any qualifications staff or members possess, they are not engaged in a professional relationship with any other member. Survivors in crisis are urged to seek local help by contacting 911 or their local rape crisis center. Use of this website constitutes acceptance of the Terms of Service located here.