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Post Surgery

Posted by Allen , 31 July 2011 · 103 views

I am in a whole lot of pain right now. I had surgery on my back to implant a Dorsal Column Stimulator. This eventually will take away a lot of my chronic pain. I am having so much trouble getting comfortable. I cannot lay on my back at all. I have 2 2-3 in stitches in my back where they implanted the lead and the control box and battery. I will be much be...


Feeling Like I am Fighting a Losing Battle

Posted by Allen , 04 February 2011 · 102 views

I just don't know if I will ever get better. I don;t know if my mind will ever rrun out of new images to toss my way. I cannot help but feely like a dirthy,filthy little bugger who deserved everything I got and I probably wanted it too and liked it. I must have because I let myself be passed around as a sex toy. I have no intrinsic value. my only valu...


Back to square one

Posted by Allen , 25 December 2010 · 115 views

I guess % better start using this again. I posted in my voice about an incident which I feel may have been sexual assa**t. I am so confused and scared. My rear end is so sore and I feel sso dirty and powerless. I have been doing so good for so long now. I have had a few bad times but overall I have been doing much b etter. Now I feel like I have lost the...


Good Day

Posted by Allen , 19 June 2008 · 117 views

Well it has been another good day. I got a lot of sleep and am ready for work tonight. As much as the first week of work scared me since then I have been feeling better and more empowered about work. I just love what I am doing except I wish I could spend more time around the kids. I do miss my wife and I hope we can get her up here soon. Other than missi...


Falling Apart

Posted by Allen , 10 January 2008 · 134 views

********************Trigger warning for real language and talk of death and R no punches pulled********************

I have been doing very badly over the last few days. Not only did I have the incident at the dentist and with my wife but I also went to the ER a couple of nights ago as well. I take methadone and hydromorphone for chronic pain I al...


Bad Day

Posted by Allen , 08 January 2008 · 94 views

I went to the dentist today and I had a horrible time. I asked if they had nitrous oxide befopre I even made the appointment. When I got thre I asked to speak to the doctor herself because she needed to know why nitrous was needed even for an oral exam and also why I might have a tough time and why I was so very scared and worried. All through the periods...


Learning to Live

Posted by Allen , 09 August 2007 · 100 views

I haven't been on the site in a few months.I haven't written about my feelings or what is going on either.I have been in a state of being frozen.I have had more icky stuff come out while at the same time I make real strides in healing.I am so scared to do anything because I feel like I am in balance good and bad stuff equally.While I would love to...


Day By Day

Posted by Allen , 06 June 2007 · 65 views

I sure seem to have had a lot of bad days in a row.I haven't been getting the sleep I need because of a horrific recurring nightmare that comes at night,during the day, even as a daydream sort of thing.It will just pop into my head when I am sort of daydreaming.In the dream,

I am in a building somewhere where I...


Unending Grief

Posted by Allen , 02 May 2007 · 65 views

That picture is tsill frozen in my mind.I can see Alexander lying on his side and cry gently telling me he wishes we could be together.He tells me that he forgives me for hating myself bu that what happened was not my fault.He says he loves me but that I have to stop blaming myself.Of course I find that very difficult if not impossible.My mind is split.My...


Another Day in He**

Posted by Allen , 29 April 2007 · 65 views

I have been having an awful time lately.My mind has been throwing so many terrible images at me lately.I keep seeing Alexander's face staring at me and I see tears in his eyes as he tells me that he wishes he could be with me.I am so overwhelmed with grief right now.I wish I could banish these feelings of guilt and hurt and of mising him so deply.I fe...

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Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. is not intended to be a substitute for professional assistance. All members and visitors are encouraged to establish a relationship with a trained counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist. Pandora's Aquarium, Inc. offers rape and sexual abuse survivor-to-survivor support only. Despite any qualifications staff or members possess, they are not engaged in a professional relationship with any other member. Survivors in crisis are urged to seek local help by contacting 911 or their local rape crisis center. Use of this website constitutes acceptance of the Terms of Service located here.