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I just wish I had peace...

Posted by flylikeabutterfly , 01 November 2010 · 77 views

Each day of my life, I'm always bothered by something, something is always wrong, every little thing gets to me. Not even sure what started it all or why I act the way I do. After wards I always end up beating myself up and blaming myself for everything. It was Halloween, everything was going great, but I felt anxious when I was getting ready. Just wanted to have everything set up right and have everyone happy. It didn't go by so smoothly, first I couldn't find my strobe light, it bothered me for the whole day almost cause I wanted to use it for our little haunt. Sometimes I feel like I'm falling apart, like I'm slowly losing myself. It makes me depressed cause I used to be so happy and now I'm constantly sad or angry. If I'm ever happy it's never for too long cause there always has something to be wrong. Then if there's nothing wrong I freak out, which I don't understand. Maybe I'm so used to everything being wrong... hmmm I'm not really sure but it confuses me and the more I think I'll just end up depressing myself :(

I want to stop doing this to myself, I just want peace, have joy and be happy with my life. My boyfriend means the world to me and sometimes I even feel as if I'm losing him. Today he played guitar a lot and I felt as if I was being ignored or he didn't want me around. As soon as I cried, I just let it all out and told him how I felt inside. Later on that night we were watching a movie together and again he was playing guitar. Not even sure what's going on anymore, little by little everyone is slowly slipping away from me. I want to do things one way, but it gets messed up another way. There's times where I feel like I'm a fault, that no matter what I do, things will never get better. Then I'll be happy and being confident, I have bi polar along with PTSD and it's very tiring on some days. Tonight I can't even get to sleep cause I have so many things on my mind, this is the only place I can ever come to now. Just wish I wasn't so lonely, I really wish I had some friends, but it's so hard making friends. There's so much I need to work on and I feel like I'm pushing myself maybe, I'm not sure. All I want is just to live in peace and happiness but doesn't everyone want that? :tear:

Nov 01 2010 09:51 PM
Dear SpreadYouWings,

I hear what you are saying but more than that I can feel what you're feeling. I think at some point or another all of us can relate to how you feel.
I wish I had words more wise than this but right now I don't. Please just know you are not alone and even if we aren't friends in the traditional sense, like face to face, there are plenty of people here that are willing to offer that compassionate ear you so need.
Please feel free to send me a message either through my blog or profile or even PM, anytime you need to talk.
And always remember that you are a beautiful and wonderful person.

With warmest thoughts,
SandyLynn :)

December 2015

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