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Last night as i was hanging the laundry out i was thinking, i had been reading my book while waiting for the laundry load to finish. I'm reading the Twilight series for the 5th time. I was thinking about the story as i hung the washing out and thinking of how Bella and Jacob's friendship was suddenly cut short by her decision to become a vampire and how she felt like she had to have a chance to say goodbye to him and it hit me. Like an arrow through my heart, like someone had punched the air out of my lungs.
My ex when we were together last year was living with me at my parents. He was abusive and controlling but my parents didn't know that. I broke up with him eventually. We broke up, he cried and acted so broken hearted and it did break my heart because i truly did love him but i couldn't live with him hurting me all the time. A week after we broke up he hurt me really bad and i ran away that night to a friends with him following and hurting me. I spent the night and morning at my friends. My parent's didn't know the truth about what happened. Dad came and got me and got really mad at me because apparently my ex had told them about us sleping together (i was supposed to stay a virgin till marriage), the sleeping together was forced on me by him but he made it sound like i had seduced him. My parents were mad, dad kicked him out. He had to leave that day, i was almost grounded. My ex also dumped on them the shock that i had been raped a few years ago. He told them all this without my consent. I spent 5 hours crying in the tree in the backyard, broken hearted, alone and utterly betrayed, my relationship with my family utterly destroyed.
I never got a chance to say goodbye to him. He left that afternoon, and i haven't been able to speak to him since.
Yesterday it all hit me, i never said goodbye. Our relationship ended in such a sudden and violent way. I did love him, despite how he treated me. I am filled with so much remorse and longing to see him again despite the fact that i am in a healthy happy relationship wth a guy i love with all my heart. I feel like i am cheating on my boyfriend by wanting to make amends with my ex who basically raped me for a year. But i really miss him, i spent a full year with him. I gave him my entire year of being 18. I really really miss him. I miss his face, his laugh, his voice, even his body despite how it hurt me. I am cared of him so much i know i will panic if i see him again. But i miss him. And i wish that we had ended in a better way. I never got to say goodbye :tear: .