She left. Finally.
And now, I can breathe.
My sister got upset because I was staying in my room so much. She got particularly upset and lectured me about it the last week mother was here, trying to guilt-trip me into being more present--talking about how this was the last few days we'd see her until probably next year--and while I realize that 'normally' I would be sad because of that, all I could think of was 'GOOD!'. Besides, my sister stays in her room a lot too--reading fanfiction online--the only difference is she keeps her door open and I keep my door closed. and locked. And I wanted so badly to throw that in her face, to get defensive and say that I deserve to have a place where I can just be--
But I didn't. Instead, I explained that mother wasn't really paying attention most of the time anyway, since she spent her nights watching one soap opera after another. I held my tongue instead and agreed that I could go out into the living room more often. I ventured out a little more, but always with a defined goal: to get some water, put something away--and always had a reason for going back to my room.
But she's gone now. She's left. The holidays are over and I don't have to see her every time I open the door, I don't have to strain my ears to try to figure out if she's in the bathroom or in the living room. I don't have to dread going home after work. I can decide to have dinner with my colleagues without worrying about her calling me to ask me where I am. And it was a relief to learn that I can put my needs above what I perceive are her needs, and it doesn't have to come through a confrontation I don't feel ready to have yet. I can hear my inner child whisper 'no', and I can respond to that without forcing a break down. I shifted the status quo, but didn't start a war. okay--that's definitely pulling the metaphors as far as they can go, but I can't really help it--I feel like healing is possible.
Life seems so much simpler now.
And yet I feel lost. So much of the last few months has been wrapped up in survival-mode, balancing work and home, trying to be a good daughter but still keep the distance I needed, to find my voice. I stopped trying to heal and concentrated on getting through each day. Now, I don't want to go back to healing. I don't want to be that emotionally raw anymore. I'm so tired. And yet I know I cannot stay still for too long--it's not over yet, I don't know if it'll ever be over.
I don't know where I'm going, and my T isn't being very helpful. I've only recently come back to pandy's since the holidays, and i feel the little fighter inside me start to peek out again. So I have hope, even if I don't have a map.