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Hola Caracola



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She left. Finally.

Posted by Caracola , 08 February 2011 · 97 views

She visited for a month and a half. But she's left. Finally.

And now, I can breathe.

My sister got upset because I was staying in my room so much. She got particularly upset and lectured me about it the last week mother was here, trying to guilt-trip me into being more present--talking about how this was the last few days we'd see her until...


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So naive, so stupid.

Posted by Caracola , 20 December 2010 · 93 views

My mother (who CSA'ed me) came up for the holidays--and is staying here about a month. I'm living in my sister's apartment, in the extra bedroom. There isn't much space in there, so we set up a mattress for her in the living room, which was good.

And she kept her distance at the beginning. Still polite, nice, supportive and all that, b...


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just feeling overwhelmed

Posted by Caracola , 07 December 2010 · 94 views

I don't know... I constantly see new members at pandy's and a quick browse through the topic titles in 'my voice' forum leave me feeling exhausted.

why are there so many of us? why is the world so cruel?

my mother reached forward with both hands today to greet me as i walked out of my room. i immediately shrank back and tried to diffus...


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I failed. Again.

Posted by Caracola , 04 December 2010 · 102 views

I failed my exam again. This time, it means I'm out of the phd program. I tried so hard and committee member B said he didn't think i was intellectually committed to the project. wtf??? i could have left with a masters when i took my leave of absence, but i came back. i came back because i like the work i was doing, it was a project i felt wa...


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From: finally told a friend... and now we don't talk

Posted by Caracola , 17 November 2010 · 116 views

I took the plunge a few months ago and called up one of my best friends from college--someone I really thought would be there for me, and told her about my CSA. About the emotional pain, not knowing what to do with regards to my mother (who was my ab*ser), who I loved and still, in some ways, want to forgive but dont' know if i can. About feeling st...


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Confrontations and control

Posted by Caracola , 20 October 2010 · 32 views

"This is life."

In group t, I learned that I was projecting my hypothetical response to observed confrontations or potentially hurtful words and rushing to reassure or protect--I imagine it was pretty annoying when the other member wanted to learn by working through the situation in a 'safe' environment. Once I realized, I tried to curb...


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I mean to misbehave

Posted by Caracola , 20 October 2010 · 41 views

If behaving means blind obedience, then by all means--I mean to misbehave.

I'm so fed up with drivers that feel that they have the right to drive however they want, with bosses that believe giving me grief is an experience to foster an ability to stand behind what I say, with legislation that is blatantly sexist which I have no say over, with pretend...


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Respect

Posted by Caracola , 19 October 2010 · 39 views

I'd never thought of it as a lack of respect for my person. She is my mother, why wouldn't she respect me? Love me? Want what's best for me?

But then I remember her attitude--which keenly reflects her belief that as my mother, she has certain rights over me, over my body, over the decisions that I make... and I'm not okay with that. J...


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Responsibility

Posted by Caracola , in Therapy 18 October 2010 · 67 views

Whose responsibility is it?

T asked me why I should shoulder the entire burden of the secret, and while I understand where she's coming from (I think...) it seems so clear to me that the ball is in my court.

My mother CSA'ed me most of my childhood--well into my teens, but the rest of my family is oblivious and there is no way she will bring t...


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We struggle for the children

Posted by Caracola , 18 October 2010 · 37 views

We struggle for the children we wanted to be,
we struggle for the children we could have been,
The children we should have been,
The children we want others to have the chance to be.

We do it for the children.

I wish I could ---,
I wish you would ---,
but the time has passed and the past is gone--
they are, as I am, beyond reach.

Everything is beyond...






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