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inside my head.

Posted by SomebodyLoveMe , 11 August 2014 · 46 views

geez. one week from today, i'll be starting college. i went and got my books, located all my classes, figured out parking, and practiced getting from home to there and from there back home. and guess what? both years will be 100% covered by grants and scholarships. no loans for me. but it's scary. i haven't been to a traditional school since the sixth grade, which is when i spiraled into depression, started cutting and everything in my life started going downhill. and i'm always afraid to start new schools. my monster attacked me three days into my ninth grade year at a learning center i went to. now i know to expect absolutely anything out of people. now i know not to trust.
it could be a crass generalization, but it seems like a lot of guys automatically sexualize women. today at the college i was bending over to get something i dropped, and i turn around and there are two guys not-so-discretely ogling my bum. i was wearing jeans and my airman's 'the devil wears prada' jersey which covers my entire rear. it's not like i was bending over in a miniskirt, but even if i was, that doesn't make it okay.
i'm so worried about my airman. he's really having a hard time overseas. but he was moved to a safer place today and i'm very thankful for that. he would move as soon as we sent the package to his old location. i'm hoping they forward it, because it was all stuff he loves. white cherry powerade, two pounds of sour patch kids, peanut butter filled pretzels, peanuts, peppered beef jerkey, and oat and honey granola bars.
i'm also worried about my grandma. she just got out of a six hour surgery and they removed seventeen inches of her intestines because she had a huge tumor. luckily, it was determined to be benign. they're probably keeping her for the next week. and let's be honest, i don't mind my grandpa and everything, but she needs a lot of help and he does nothing for her. he'll stand and watch her rake and shovel leaves, knowing it's hurting her, and do nothing. he is absolutely capable of everything that needs done. he has no excuse. not one. and it's gonna be hard for me to get up there and help her with everything changing on me.
plus this damn tea party. i have to perfect macarons by saturday night and make the final product on sunday night so it can be served Monday afternoon.. and then i have to make my mozzarella cheese to go with the caprese salad. I'd hate to disappoint because i feel like my culinary skills are one of the only things I've got going for me.
i think there might have been a misunderstanding about my airman. it's my brother, not a boyfriend or spouse. we all refer to him as 'my' or 'our' airman. he and i have a very close relationship. my dad killed himself when i was two and my brother was five. well, that five-year-old little boy stepped up as the man of the house and the only man in my life. he's my hero. he always has been. and now that he's in the military, i hope he'll get the chance to be someone else's hero, too...i know he'll get the chance to be someone else's hero, too.

December 2014

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