i'm not necessarily "okay" right now, but I'm functional. had quite the discussion about an exboyfriend that recently contacted me out of the blue. he got annoyingly clingy when we were together, but he's changed so much. unfortunately, he's stationed in south Carolina. he's home for the holidays, but I haven't seen him yet. I'm worried he's off with his ex-fiancé...and he's not even mine. i don't want it to be just sexual, but sometimes I wonder. 'cause here I am head over heels out of the middle of nowhere, and he's probably not.
there's rum up in my closet. it's not like I regularly hit the bottle or anything, I've been cooking with it. it's calling me, but there's that smidge of logic telling me it's a bad idea. Let's see how long that lasts.
i often ponder everything that happened. i can't talk to my male therapist about it. sometimes I'm uncomfortable alone with him anyway. I haven't been able to get in with my female therapist either. so I'm alone with my thoughts and memories. I had this horrible nightmare last night.
then there's the guy I used to work with. the significantly older one that I have a thing for. he just got out of prison. I was sad and thought he forgot about me. but it turns out he's just a dumbass. much like my most recent ex. I don't feel like I've "grown up" anymore. We both used to be equally mature, but he's acting so childish. maybe this older guy has potential.