it doesn't even feel like i have a brother anymore. he moved across the country almost four years ago. i see him once a year, twice if i'm lucky. i used to see him almost every day. before he moved, the longest we ever really spent away from each other was maybe two weeks tops. he is the only male role model i've ever had, and i practically idolize him. now he's married, in the air force and stationed on the other side of the country. i know he's just living his life, but i feel abandoned. i feel lonely. i feel empty. it's been just my mom and i for so long that sometimes it feels like i never had a brother. the memories are so few and far between. i regret so many things. i regret how terribly i've treated him.
seeing pictures of him absolutely kills me. it feels like i don't even know him. like i love him so much that i can't even put it in words, but i still don't know him. part of me knows that he'll always be my brother, but the other part feels like he's gone. and that part is slowly taking over. i want things to go back to the way they were.
i don't know why this is getting to me as bad as it is, but i'm pretty depressed right now. i've been crying for two hours straight. pretty much heartbroken.