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Racing Thoughts

Posted by SomebodyLoveMe , 13 March 2012 · 69 views

My mind is racing like 75 miles an hour and I can't even think straight.

I have a meeting Friday at school and I'm already anticipating it going to hell. I go to an alternative school and there's not even 100 students, but we're all pretty eccentric. Students range from kindergarten to high school and deal with things like autism, behavioral problems and everything inbetween. My teachers, my family, my therapist and I agree that I'm not reaching my full potential there and that I need to go on to bigger and better things. I wanted to go to the local career center, but now I'm not so sure. They send out letters to let you know if you got in or not and I'm still waiting for mine. I honestly hope for rejection since his sister goes there, but when I told my mom she got pissed. She started with, "You can't let them rule your life, blah blah blah!" and I know that, but it's not that easy. I'll be triggered every day and I probably won't be able to focus on what I'd be going for, so I'd be wasting the teachers' time and a spot that another student could fill to follow their dreams. Since my incident, anything that has official paperwork or anything like that makes me nervous and I tend to shut down. After the initial disaster that brought me here took place, I left the school it happened at, became a complete hermit and was out of school for a month and then got sent to this out-of-district alternative school we had to fight tooth and nail to get me into. The official meeting for starting there was rough, I cried a lot and got really belligerent. Now meetings feel like the sky is falling. We've established my irrational fear of meetings, the mere thought of him uproots more emotions and anxiety than I know how to handle and on top of that I have PMS on 'roids, or PMDD in medical terms. I have a few things working against me and I don't see this going well. I've already been told if I go into it with that attitude I'll be the one making it negative, but that's not what I'm trying to do. I'm a 'prepare for the worst and hope for the best' type of person.

I've been playing tug of war with depression lately. I feel like I've fallen into the backdrop of everyone's lives. My only real friend who moved out of state 4 years ago doesn't have time for me anymore. She tells me how she's so busy and can't talk but turns around, blows off whatever she has to do and hangs out with other friends. It's like my brother, he has time for everyone else but me. My mom and I are fighting over everything. Drugs are coming between me and my boyfriend. It feels like I don't have anybody, and that's just about the worst feeling ever.

May 2016

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