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Negativity.

Posted by SomebodyLoveMe , 28 February 2012 · 27 views

My anxiety has been getting the best of me lately. My panic attacks can escalate and become overwhelming faster than I can comprehend. When they get bad, I can still feel his hand around my throat. I can still feel my lungs desperate for air. I'm not even comfortable with my own hand near my throat, but I tend to touch around my neck a little bit to convince myself that there's nothing there. My boyfriend is the only person who recognizes that this is a tell-tale sign of a panic attack. He'll hold me and promise me that there's nothing there, which is one of those small gestures that make all the difference in the world. Having someone tell me that they want to help me through this means so much to me. He's the single most supportive person in my life right now, he's there for me when and wherever I need him. I trust him. It's hard for me to trust anyone now, especially guys, but I trust him. There's just this certain level of comfort I feel around him, which is nice because I've had more bad luck with guys than most girls my age. I've been thinking a lot about how the guy got off with nothing. That much I do feel like is my fault. I had three issues with guys all ending in legal involvement within a year and a half. The first was when a guy I met on MySpace convinced me to sneak out and meet up with him. He said he was 17, he was really 19, and I was 13. Nothing happened, but that's not what he expected. He left angry, and I was scared. I ended up telling my brother in confidence, but he pulled the big brother card and told my mom. My mom called the police and so began that episode. I was...well...very developed for a 13 year old, so he got off the hook saying he thought I was 16. That was a total lie though, he knew damn well how old I was. About two years ago, when he was 21, he went to prison because he was found guilty for having sex with a 14, 15, and 17 year old. The police then realized his allegation that he though I was older was nonsense and he got sentenced 5 years in prison. Now there are two other guys, one of which ties into that. The one who tied into the first incident was my brother's friend, who I had a major crush on. I talked to him the day I snuck out saying that if I got caught the story was that he and I were outside talking. So one summer day, a little over a year after that first fiasco, this guy and his friend asked me to come over and help them babysit his two year old nephew. I went over expecting to help, and that's not how things worked out. It was just them and when the guy I had been crushing on asked me to go into his parents' room, I followed him. At first I thought he was joking, but he asked me to give him oral sex, so I did. He asked if I would have sex with him, and I was shocked, but I was a virgin I really thought I loved him, so I agreed to it. Before we did anything else, he asked if his friend could join. I hated his friend, but all I wanted was to make him happy. So we're on the floor having this threesome, when his nephew walks over! I had no idea he was in the room. The guy I had been crushing on told me not to tell anyone what happened and I went home, unsure what to think. All I knew was that it hurt like hell and I bled a lot. The next day I tell my therapist because I had to tell someone. She said because the kid was in the room she had to call children's services, so I could tell my mom that night or she would tell her tomorrow. When I got home from therapy, my mom was at work. I asked my brother what mom thought when she found out he was having sex and he asked what I did now. I told him about his friend and his friend's friend, and he thought I was kidding or playing some sort of warped prank on him. He was devastated and called my mom, who had to come home from work because he was so mad. He wanted to fight his then former friend, but he knew that the guy was one of those guys from the wrong side of the tracks that's gotten into tons of fights. My mom tracked them down and gave them absolute hell. Within the next week we got a letter from children's services setting up a meeting with a caseworker. The little boy was almost put in foster care, and then the caseworker moved onto me. When he read over my extensive mental health history and saw how completely torn up I was over my disaster of a first time, he got the legal system involved and both guys got charged with contributing to the delinquency of a minor even though they were under 18. That ended all communication between us, oh yeah...and my brother's life! When school started back up, I was a freshman in an alternative school and he was a junior in the local mainstream school. He went from a popular kid to "that slut's big brother," which sent him off the deep end. He was always overprotective because we grew up without a dad and he was the only male influence in my life. I feel guilty to this day for putting him through that. Fortunately all ended up perfect for my brother, but that's a whole different story. That was a bad kickoff to my brother's junior year, but three days into my freshman year I experienced the heinous event that brought me here. For the full story, see my very first blog, My Story. The gist here is that this guy did some terrible things to me, and this time I didn't plan on saying anything. I broke down and told my boyfriend at the time, who went straight to his mom...another children's services caseworker. She came home with me that night and we told my mom what happened. Obviously my mom called the police, this time we went through the same old song and dance, me going into a little room with a therapist talking about what happened with everything be videotaped and watched by the police from a different room. I think at that point the police were like, "Three times, a little over a year. This isn't the guys, it has to be her, She has bad judgement, she keeps getting herself into these messes, she's on her own!" The other times I tried so hard to keep the guys out of trouble but when I wanted something done, it wasn't. They said the case closed, it was my word against his. He had a few misdemeanors and a felony, and I had no legal record but two other legal bouts with guys over sexual things, so I guess that put us on a level playing field...or at least they thought so. It's not like the boy who cried wolf, the guys before did get charged, it wasn't lies. I'm not saying all these guys did terrible things to me, blah blah blah, I'm saying the first two episodes were my bad judgement. Obviously they were assholes, but I made conscious bad decisions. This final time with the guy who brought me here was totally different. I didn't make any decisions, I was forced into what happened. This wasn't some stupid teenage girl not making wise decisions, this was some cold-hearted asshole taking away a part of me I'll never get back. Everywhere he touched me still feels dirty. Stained, like he'll be there forever. I'm so fucking bitter that the legal system did nothing. Justice? Yeah right, whatever. I don't understand, and I don't think I ever will.



September 2014

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