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Arietta_Sashrady's Blog



Posted by Arietta_Sashrady , 02 June 2011 · 37 views

Some days I really wish I could get some closure. Some affirmation of "yes, it happened." Some kind of apology, maybe.

I know that'll never happen.

I got angry sometime last year and sent a burning letter to my mother, the kind of thing you should send to anonymous journals but never to the true recipient. In it I strongly alluded to the abu...



Posted by Arietta_Sashrady , 31 May 2011 · 41 views

I was working and I had a memory appear from back then. It was quite powerful and painful, but I managed to hold it together.

It was the day after they argued (I think), when my sister told our mother about what my stepdad (my sister's dad) did. I was in the kitchen. It was like the calm after the storm. Mother said he was staying in the house, then...


empty words

Posted by Arietta_Sashrady , 30 May 2011 · 34 views

My mother always claimed that the love between parent and child was the best love ever, that she would die for her kids... but it's easy to say things, isn't it? When it came down to it she didn't fight for me. Not against the bullies. Not against him.

It makes me feel worthless... she said all these things and yet never followed through. An...


bound to survive against all odds

Posted by Arietta_Sashrady , 27 May 2011 · 49 views

I spent most of my childhood alone. I had my brother and sister (half, really, but that's just a technicality), but they were older than me and were entering adolescence while I was still a child. I wasn't allowed to socialize outside of school so I spent a lot of time at home just losing myself in my imagination. Video games, books, TV, and somet...


I'm done running... wish you were.

Posted by Arietta_Sashrady , 24 May 2011 · 36 views

I'm having an angry day. Every now and then I get a little bit like this. I'm somewhere between frustrated and melancholy.

I'm frustrated at my mother for always running away. Lord knows that makes me a hypocrite at times, but I've never been as bad as she is. Anything she doesn't want to hear she avoids, anything slightly dark or sca...


The P word.

Posted by Arietta_Sashrady , 16 May 2011 · 46 views

I write stories as therapy. They're about all kinds of things, all of them have some romance but there's a lot of science fiction and fantasy as well. Right now I'm working on a novel. I've worked hard, and it's been very, very rewarding and very therapeutic as well (it keeps my mind away from darker thoughts).

I like to put my storie...


Sucker Punch (to the psyche)

Posted by Arietta_Sashrady , 05 April 2011 · 47 views

One thing I've discovered since I've confronted the CSA I faced as a child is that depictions of such things on TV and in movies now bother me a lot more. This wasn't a problem before beyond the normal "wow, that's awful" reaction. Now such reactions can be powerful - and I don't really understand them.

I went to see Sucker Pu...


Good day.

Posted by Arietta_Sashrady , 30 March 2011 · 35 views

Having a good day. The last panic attack that I had at work set off a bad week, but I seem to be past it now. And that's the problem with my life. When I'm strong, things feel pretty good. Things are logical and make sense. I'm able to make good, rational decisions.

But when things are bad, they're so bad that I almost wreck my life. When...


Look right through me.

Posted by Arietta_Sashrady , 16 March 2011 · 41 views

Sometimes I feel like everybody sees my vulnerabilities, and uses them.

My stepfather, when he decided to touch me.

The bullies, when they decided to torture me each day for years.

My coworkers and managers, when they want to manipulate me.

The manager promotion feels like a trap. When I was first approached, it sounded like it was going to be on my t...



Posted by Arietta_Sashrady , 10 March 2011 · 48 views

I thought I was doing great. I was being very rational about everything...

... and then my job offered me a promotion. And it wasn't even in the "we really want you" way, it was more in the "we need somebody, can you handle all that responsibility?" kind of way. I said yes, but it also hurt my feelings.

It triggered a memory of being...

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