-You had no right to laugh at the thought of me in a dress. I am not at work for your amusement. I understand that I dress in a masculine way but this is because it is comfortable and it feels safe for me, and I detest wearing makeup, long, painted nails etc. However I never tell you how to dress, and I am tired of your mockery. And no I will not bring in my wedding album so you can laugh at my most treasured memories.
-Stop laughing at everything I say. I get that I say things awkwardly. I know that when I'm nervous I stutter. I know that sometimes I say things that come out completely wrong. But you know I've never said a bad thing about any of you, so it wasn't fair for you to take that sentence as an accusation of being fat, and then laugh at me when I tried to explain what I meant and apologize for any offense.
It HURTS. I go home from work and I cry because of the things you do and say. I sit at the break table and I hold in my thoughts and say nothing because I FEAR your responses, your chiding laughter. What did I do to deserve any of this except try to be cordial and friendly?
You brought back a lot of painful memories as well. I understand that you are not responsible for past trauma, but every time you laugh I hear the mocking laughter of a thousand moments in my life. I feel the lack of acceptance in my life, the people who have told me to "be normal", the people who told me I deserved everything I got. The incredible loneliness when I reach out with kindness only to be rebuffed as a freak.
My sweetheart says that people at work are like this. That I have to let it pass. But I can't. It hurts. It becomes all I can think about. I feel like I can never escape being bullied, that people are going to laugh at me for the rest of my life.
I know this post has nothing to do with what this site is for. But I have nowhere else to write this. Everybody else doesn't see this as bullying. They're not there. They're not me. They don't feel this pain and feel like they're nothing. Thought you might understand how it hurts to feel this way.