lament for innocence
Today it happened again. I was awake in bed when I saw a stuffed animal that my stepdad used to keep in his car. I used to love that dog with his little police hat, even despite who he belonged to. And now I'm on the verge of tears, that feeling of intense sorrow, of grief, rocking me.
I would say that it was a lament for my childhood, only this is a feeling I used to feel as well. I used to (still do) get a lot of attachment to inanimate objects, especially stuffed animals and anything cute or with a face. Maybe it's because so many of the humans in my life have been such complete failures.
I spent a lot of my childhood feeling this intense sorrow, along with fear. The feeling of wanting to cry almost constantly, of being trapped in a world so evil and hideous as to be completely intolerable. Nothing made sense and people were cruel. But I haven't felt this way in a long time... so to feel it now, with this power... it's crushing.
I have no reason to feel this way right now. I had the perfect weekend with my husband, who always proves to me that goodness exists because he is so kind, so patient, so joyful. I never feel like this when he's around.
But then thinking about it, maybe it's because my mother sent me a photo with my stepfather standing next to my sister and her 6 year old daughter. And I miss my sister so much that I looked. And I don't understand how everybody can be smiling in that picture. Why am I the only one who is suffering still? Why am I still so alone with this? And he doesn't deserve to be within 50 feet of my niece, supervised or not.
I have to go to work in a couple of hours. I hope this passes.