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the fall

Posted by Arietta_Sashrady , 09 June 2011 · 56 views

Today... today was hard.

I felt in a much better mood after offloading in this blog last night. I woke up not dreading work for a change. I got to work, had a good few first hours. Then this one guy had a pissy fit that me (or somebody else on the other shifts that worked that order) missed a box.

Some days it's the small things that set you off. It wasn't his words so much as his look, that "you're a retard, you should know this by now" look. I'm trying my best. Yes I make mistakes like any other human being. We wouldn't have had the problem in the first place if he'd just checked the paperwork like he's supposed to and pointed out the error instead of waiting days later for the order to be finished and basically being like "duh, you missed one days ago".

I'm not mad, not really. Just upset with myself. I have low self-esteem, and it was a kick to the gut. Then, because I was feeling upset, things started to break down. My executive functioning sometimes shuts down when I get upset. I forget things a lot more. I struggle to complete basic tasks, or plan simple things. Several rolls ripped off my machine because I forgot they needed changing. It's not the end of the world, but people were looking every time the loud "riiiip" sound of the tape on the roll would occur and I felt even worse, like I was surrounded by people judging me. Then at lunch, the people I sit with were talking about how a lot of people got fired for being bad at their jobs. And I felt like shit, wondering if I'm going to screw this up and wind up back where I started against my will. If I went back to my last job by choice, that would be one thing. But to be fired and forced back there would be devastating for me when I've worked so hard to try and get control over my life back from others. I'm honestly scared. I'm not used to fucking up like this. Sometimes it takes a little while, but I've always been good at most of the jobs I've had. The last two I was among the most respected employees.

Maybe I'm not giving myself enough time. It's only been five weeks. The question is, how much time will they give me? They don't seem like the kind of people who are going to be patient when I have meltdowns. And I don't have any kind of diagnosis I can use to defend myself if they do choose to fire me, since I've never had the courage to complain to a doctor or therapist about my miserable state.

I wish I could cry but I've trained myself to hold it all in over the years, a bad habit I know but one that seemed necessary to my survival at times. Sometimes I can't help myself but days I like today I manage to push it down and keep going and now it sits there, unresolved and festering. A price that will have to be paid now at a later date, as always.

Why does this have to be so hard? I thought I was ready to get on with my life and do something better. I never thought it would going to be easy. But I never thought it was going to be this hard, either. I thought I was intelligent, but I feel like an idiot when I make ridiculous numbering or paperwork errors. I can write novels, sure, but that doesn't mean anything to anybody in the real world. I know I'm smart, but I can't prove it when I'm losing my memory at the most important moments. This isn't even something you need a brain for. It's a factory job. I didn't overreach on purpose, yet here I am feeling like I'm drowning.

I'm so embarrassed. I'm so ashamed. And they haven't even fired me yet. Maybe they won't. But I still feel like a fool, and that hurts when my pride at being intelligent is what enabled me to survive the bullying. As long as I was top of my class, I knew I was winning in the long run. I know it's my own fault for not going to college, for not having the confidence. Now I have to fight for all the other jobs, when I have a body that's weak and useless and a mind I can't keep under control. Maybe I deserve to earn barely above minimum wage. Maybe that's the extent of my real-world skills.

I'm hurting really badly right now, and I don't know what to do to make it go away.

July 2016

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