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Back To The Light

26 November 2012
Posted by Arietta_Sashrady  
Seems I always sit and write here when I'm complaining or feeling low. Well, there's something today that I want to tell you.

It gets so much better.

I won't say that it ever goes away; I think this specter will always be with me in some form or another, but much like my shadow I've learned to accept this pain as a companion in...
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Holidays

22 November 2012
Posted by Arietta_Sashrady  
I hate Thanksgiving.

I hate Thanksgiving because it is a day dedicated to family, of which I have none. I hate it because it's a foreign holiday, something that doesn't belong to me. I hate it because when I go back to work on Monday, I will have to pretend that I ate a turkey meal when the truth is, I had instant ramen for dinner. I hate...
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Scream

10 September 2012
Posted by Arietta_Sashrady  
It was their Facebook posts that drove me over the edge. My sister wishing him a happy birthday. My brother who rarely bothers with the family suddenly asking for the home phone number to send him birthday wishes.

I actually let out a scream. I'm not sure what the neighborhood thought, but it felt good. I was finally able to cry after that....
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Family

10 September 2012
Posted by Arietta_Sashrady  
I've actually been really well. I've pulled a lot of things back together. I'm writing on a semi-professional level now. It's a very healing thing, to do something good for yourself in which the people who hurt you have no part.

The relationship with my family is still a big sticking point, though. My mom basically refuses to...
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Posted by Arietta_Sashrady  
I love entertainment. I love TV. But I really should know better than to watch HBO shows, in this case, The Sopranos.

I'm just really fucking upset right now. This freaking scene came right out of the freaking blue and now I feel like I'm going to throw up. I didn't want to cry in front of the husband so I'm holding it in... But...
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Thank you.

26 September 2011
Posted by Arietta_Sashrady  
Thank you for your kind comments. They are always much appreciated. I will continue to go on, as always. The things I have had to carry have been on my shoulders for a long time, but I will continue to carry my burdens.

Going forward is the only way. Getting through each day, one at a time. Sometimes the days are easy. Sometimes they're hard....
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it hurts.

25 September 2011
Posted by Arietta_Sashrady  
Coworkers:

-You had no right to laugh at the thought of me in a dress. I am not at work for your amusement. I understand that I dress in a masculine way but this is because it is comfortable and it feels safe for me, and I detest wearing makeup, long, painted nails etc. However I never tell you how to dress, and I am tired of your mockery. And no...
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Angry again.

06 August 2011
Posted by Arietta_Sashrady  
As if the photo of my abuser (stepdad) smiling with my sister and her daughter wasn't bad enough, today my mother posts on her Facebook about what a nice time my nephew is having playing with his grandfather.

It's not right, watching him having all these family ties he didn't earn. It's not right that he even gets to be around...
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lament for innocence

11 July 2011
Posted by Arietta_Sashrady  
I've been having this problem lately. Last week I was at work doing mundane tasks when suddenly I remembered a knitting nancy from my childhood. I remembered her painted face and suddenly all these feelings of intense sorrow washed over me and it took all of my emotional control not to just start crying.

Today it happened again. I was awake...
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The Spiral

20 June 2011
Posted by Arietta_Sashrady  
The thing about being depressed is that every molehill becomes a mountain, every cruel real-life comment provoking a deep, inner pain. The past is omnipresent, each painful moment relived.

The thing about being happy is that nothing seems to matter at all, and I can't relate to the me a week ago who saw the world in such a dull grey. I only...
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