Pandora's Aquarium: here in my head - Pandora's Aquarium

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Donna Mae DePola - Guest Speaker Chat ...May 25th 2013 ... for more information please read this!






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amandaunderthepink likes this

scared of food

I have been doing this weird thing for awhile. I haven't been eating, or I have been eating weird things....celery.....vegetables, fruits, and loads of water. I have worried about my weight ever since I gave birth, but I hate being this big, and changing my eating habits...idk if it is working, but I havent been feeling good. Like I drink...
I had a T session tonight. I let off steam and vented. I had a mediocre session. She now wants me to eat white food (ice cream, dips, ect.). I started out with a bowl of vanilla ice cream tonight. It went ok.

There is no denying-I was an abused kid. For years,abuse from my parents-they crushed my dreams. My brother-he r'd me for years with no...

My anni

I hated today. Anni day. Every month, my brain ticks it off, I cant get away from it. I went to lunch w a friend to an Italian restaraunt. There were meatballs on my friend's plate, and ranch dressing on his salad. I wasnt doing too good, but I had a taco salad-with NO sour cream.

We then went grocery shopping, which was fine. After that, we...
I hide. I make sure to turn off my phone, move slowly, and am basically numb. Havent worked in 3 weeks. Even if they were to call me in, I couldnt go. I feel like I am moving through sludge.Its dark and enveloping-and destroying me. I have tried to keep all my thoughts off tommorow-but I know what that day is and I cannot face or escape it. I...

Ever want to scream?

I want to. More appropriately, I want to cry. I can't-and haven't for over two years. My eyes are hot and I cannot really safely cry-Id have to be triggered in order to cry. Speaking of which....

Guns trigger the shit outta me. I hear them cock, (i just heard one on tv and I am not doing too good right now) and I am back in that kitchen,...

Free

When will I be free? I can't forgive, I can't find peace or love here. I remember all the abuse I have been through. I frel like I will never be free.


I sleep covered, with the television on. I try to act like everything is fine, lioke I have no problems. Inside, my heart feels heavy. I wrap myself in purple and in heavy blankets,...
I was a beautiful princess for the first 3 years of my life. I was the daughter of a beautiful queen and strong king. I was spoiled by the royal courts. I was held in high regard, until one day, with no reason the faerie tale changed.....

The king and queen were away on a short voyage, thus I was left in care of the court jester. I was happily...

Once upon a time......

I was beautiful. Special and loved. I cannot feel that way now. I am damaged, used goods, bad. I should have went to jail for going to his house. Depression engulfs me in spite of meds that I take. Most people dream in particles, things that they cant remember. They enjoy being with their boyfriend/spouse. They can eat normal foods, take normal...
So, today I realized that it has been almost 2 and 1/2 years since my r*pe. I'm still embarrassed to talk about it, still afraid he will find me and kill me-mentally, emotionally. I have a overwhelming fear. I am so afraid of him. I know he is far away, but I trigger all the time, and I wonder- shouldnt this be just part of me?

When I was...

Today was a tired day

Forgive me for whining. Today I was so tired. My stomach hurts. I can't perform bodily functions. My skin is dry due to all the hot water I submerge myself in. I soak in scalding hot water to clean myself of the daily filth I feel. Yet, I am not clean, Very rarely do I feel peace. I feel peace with God- He protected me that night. He kept me...
amandaunderthepink likes this

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About my blog

This is basically my space to spill out everything I'm thinking and feeling.

Please note that some of the content here may be triggering.

What I write here is just me being honest with myself. Mostly just venting about things, realisations, and my path through healing.

There will be talk of CSA, SA, R, SI and ED here.

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