Ever want to scream?
Guns trigger the shit outta me. I hear them cock, (i just heard one on tv and I am not doing too good right now) and I am back in that kitchen, with my rapist telling me to do as he says, or I will get blown to peices.
I no longer paint my nails in bright colors. Oh, I have them, and I never use them. Black, beige, dark purple, those are the colors I currently use. I don;t deserve bright colors. I have them-I just cant wear them. You see, wearing them would make others think I am beautiful, and how can I live with that when I feel like the ugliest person. I buy salon polish-doesn't chip, and I am not wearing it to make me happy.
I wear baggy clothes-dark, heavy, clothes that take away from my looks. I just fade into the wallpaper. I need to move on but its soooo hard that I can't imagine it on my own.
I sleep a lot. Peircings and tattoos no longer bother me. I have both and I feel like I deserve anything to take my mind away.
I hate discovering who this new person is-adapting to her needs, her mannerisms. I liked the old person. I was comfortable with her. How do I go back? How do I change time??