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Today was not a very good day for me. I had a T appointment. So, even afraid to leave my house, I went to T. It did not go very well. I am looking for answers as to why I feel this way, solutions as to how to fix it. I sat and told my T that I am afraid to leave my house, that I relive over and over and over my r*pe. She then asked me why after a little over 2 years, am I letting this run my life?
"He's ripping me apart at night!" I inhaled with a sob. Funny, I didnt know that was possible. I keep thinking that if I take myself through what happened to me, that it will eventually disappear.
She told me that will not happen. "It's what's making you worse." I was trying to make myself better. She asked me if I went through it all at night. I nodded. She asked me what I felt. I then told her that I wanted to kill him, and would feel no remorse shooting him. She asked me if I meant that, and I told her yes. She then told me if I did that, I'd get life in prison and my daughter would never see me. She explained I need to figure out who was more important-my daughter or my r*pist. I told her it was my daughter-but that he had to pay for what he did. The system failed me.
She told me, when he rips me apart at night, to damage him in my mind. I already know what will happen. When I go through it, that's when I can change it.
So for right now, I will breathe....
"He's ripping me apart at night!" I inhaled with a sob. Funny, I didnt know that was possible. I keep thinking that if I take myself through what happened to me, that it will eventually disappear.
She told me that will not happen. "It's what's making you worse." I was trying to make myself better. She asked me if I went through it all at night. I nodded. She asked me what I felt. I then told her that I wanted to kill him, and would feel no remorse shooting him. She asked me if I meant that, and I told her yes. She then told me if I did that, I'd get life in prison and my daughter would never see me. She explained I need to figure out who was more important-my daughter or my r*pist. I told her it was my daughter-but that he had to pay for what he did. The system failed me.
She told me, when he rips me apart at night, to damage him in my mind. I already know what will happen. When I go through it, that's when I can change it.
So for right now, I will breathe....
Tags: T, r*pe, failed by system, fear
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1. Try to discuss what happened to you with your T. Going over it constantly will only make you feel worse and give your rapist that control.
2. Write about it, draw pictures, go punch a pillow.
3. Write positives about your life...your daughter's accomplishments. I have an entire list of things that I have
Accomplished despite this awful thing that happened to me.
4. Love yourself and keep treating yourself nicely. It will get better.
Keep reaching out and seeking answers from your therapist. I found the hardest sessions of the greatest
Benefit.
You deserve lots and lots of credit for getting out that door and seeing your T! I can relate to feeling that way and I was unable to do so. I was unable to even send my T an email. So, I think you are incredibly strong and determined. That determination, I believe, is what will change things around. It may take some time but, little by little is where the real magic happens. So good for you for taking those steps!!
I'm so sorry that things are so intense right now. It is horrible to be caught in this phase. Please continue to take great care of yourself and to honor these emotions.
I wish you all the best and I hope you feel better with each step along the way.