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Geez, Amanda, break down much?
Today, I relived a part of my past. I was talking to an old friend and felt the need to tell him, because it has changed me from who he used to know to this whole different person. One who is afraid to go anywhere. One who can't eat certain foods, who cries all the time and who finds comfort in talking to others online only.
He was mad. I lifted my eyes to his face and saw the rage there. Suddenly afraid, I fall all over myself. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." He exhaled slowly. "It was not your fault. Nothing to be sorry about." Did I mention I dated this guy when we were younger? (I was 18, he was 15.). We hadn't seen each other in years, and reconnected through facebook.
I explained to him that I feel shame and I don't know how to deal with it, that I only feel safe when going places with someone and I think he understood.
I hate this. It is my own personal hell. I cry all the time and am sooo afraid and keep trying to live through all this and can't do it any more. I feel like I will never get better and keep trying to go back to the "old" me. The innocent me. I try and I try and I try and I fail. I freak out and panic.
Nothing works. Nothing helps. I can't deal and I don't know how to help myself. I only see my T twice a month-she's too booked to fit me in any more than she already is. I need more help and I don't know how to receive it. I am afraid of the police, because they did not help me when this all happened. I don't trust many men, -obvious.
Some one please please help me.
Today, I relived a part of my past. I was talking to an old friend and felt the need to tell him, because it has changed me from who he used to know to this whole different person. One who is afraid to go anywhere. One who can't eat certain foods, who cries all the time and who finds comfort in talking to others online only.
He was mad. I lifted my eyes to his face and saw the rage there. Suddenly afraid, I fall all over myself. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." He exhaled slowly. "It was not your fault. Nothing to be sorry about." Did I mention I dated this guy when we were younger? (I was 18, he was 15.). We hadn't seen each other in years, and reconnected through facebook.
I explained to him that I feel shame and I don't know how to deal with it, that I only feel safe when going places with someone and I think he understood.
I hate this. It is my own personal hell. I cry all the time and am sooo afraid and keep trying to live through all this and can't do it any more. I feel like I will never get better and keep trying to go back to the "old" me. The innocent me. I try and I try and I try and I fail. I freak out and panic.
Nothing works. Nothing helps. I can't deal and I don't know how to help myself. I only see my T twice a month-she's too booked to fit me in any more than she already is. I need more help and I don't know how to receive it. I am afraid of the police, because they did not help me when this all happened. I don't trust many men, -obvious.
Some one please please help me.
Tags: shame, can't deal, hurt
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1 Comments On This Entry
Hey I just wanted to tell you that at one point I was extremely afraid of leaving my own house, and when I was in my house I had to constantly check that doors and windows were locked, and I prefered to have all doors closed at all times (including doors to bedrooms, bathrooms, etc.) I couldn't drive anywhere or even walk outside of my house without paniking. I went from a university to living at home, and told absolutely no one. my best friends didn't find out i was home until a year and a half later. I talked to no one. However, eventually, and in very small tiny steps I gradually got better, once I stopped trying to be who I was and decided to be who I am (even though I didn't and don't like me very much). The fact is that traumatic events change a person, and you still are who you were, you're just slightly different because of the event. Eventually, I decided to go to college online, and every once in a while I would sneak out to the store. At first I paniked with every outing. Eventually, I got better, and although sometimes I still panic, the amount of times that I don't panic outweighs the amount of times I do. I just wanted to let you know that the process takes time and a whole hell of a lot of hard work. It's taken me 7 years to get to where I am today, attending a real university, and socializing and living almost a normal life. I am not "over" what happened, but I am doing better than I was then. I just wanted to let you know you can get better too.
silentwords,
26 October 2012 - 01:14 AM
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About my blog
This is basically my space to spill out everything I'm thinking and feeling.
Please note that some of the content here may be triggering.
What I write here is just me being honest with myself. Mostly just venting about things, realisations, and my path through healing.
There will be talk of CSA, SA, R, SI and ED here.
Please note that some of the content here may be triggering.
What I write here is just me being honest with myself. Mostly just venting about things, realisations, and my path through healing.
There will be talk of CSA, SA, R, SI and ED here.
