Today, I relived a part of my past. I was talking to an old friend and felt the need to tell him, because it has changed me from who he used to know to this whole different person. One who is afraid to go anywhere. One who can't eat certain foods, who cries all the time and who finds comfort in talking to others online only.
He was mad. I lifted my eyes to his face and saw the rage there. Suddenly afraid, I fall all over myself. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." He exhaled slowly. "It was not your fault. Nothing to be sorry about." Did I mention I dated this guy when we were younger? (I was 18, he was 15.). We hadn't seen each other in years, and reconnected through facebook.
I explained to him that I feel shame and I don't know how to deal with it, that I only feel safe when going places with someone and I think he understood.
I hate this. It is my own personal hell. I cry all the time and am sooo afraid and keep trying to live through all this and can't do it any more. I feel like I will never get better and keep trying to go back to the "old" me. The innocent me. I try and I try and I try and I fail. I freak out and panic.
Nothing works. Nothing helps. I can't deal and I don't know how to help myself. I only see my T twice a month-she's too booked to fit me in any more than she already is. I need more help and I don't know how to receive it. I am afraid of the police, because they did not help me when this all happened. I don't trust many men, -obvious.
Some one please please help me.