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17 months later. I am dealing with so much more abuse thats been recovered in T. Molestation by my uncle at 4, rape from 6-26 by my brother, and I am really trying to deal with it. I ask those that know me on the 12 of every month to be understanding as i am trying to deal with the memories of what happened to me. Most people are understanding of it.
I still have nightmares, still hear voices. I wonder if any man will ever see me as beautiful.....I see myself as ugly, trashy, a peice to be used and thrown away. I am starting tom feel better.
But I do not trust the feeling. It happens all the time. I feel better and then the memories restart. I cant keep running myself down to sleep. I cant keep beings afraid to look men in thier eyes, or be close to them, or be touched by thier hands.
I want to be loved, but am coming to realize that what happened to me was not love, no matter what my uncle, and brother told me, and that I was not special or liked the way my friends brother told me. I was USED. I still hate myself for it, and wish that it would all go away.
Thats another thing. I know I need to talk about what happened to me but I am tired of talking about it.Thats why havent been on pandys for a while.I know that Pandy's is a healing place.....but what if you are stuck in your healing????
I still have nightmares, still hear voices. I wonder if any man will ever see me as beautiful.....I see myself as ugly, trashy, a peice to be used and thrown away. I am starting tom feel better.
But I do not trust the feeling. It happens all the time. I feel better and then the memories restart. I cant keep running myself down to sleep. I cant keep beings afraid to look men in thier eyes, or be close to them, or be touched by thier hands.
I want to be loved, but am coming to realize that what happened to me was not love, no matter what my uncle, and brother told me, and that I was not special or liked the way my friends brother told me. I was USED. I still hate myself for it, and wish that it would all go away.
Thats another thing. I know I need to talk about what happened to me but I am tired of talking about it.Thats why havent been on pandys for a while.I know that Pandy's is a healing place.....but what if you are stuck in your healing????
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1 Comments On This Entry
i feel the same way.! and i felt the worse for a while... i dont know you, or what happened to you exactly. but i know you didnt deserve it.! 
i wish you the best of luck in your healing.. its hard.. im still stuck there as well.. i was shocked to read this because you practically took the words straight from my mouth.! thank you for putting into words what i could not... im here if you wanna talk.
i wish you the best of luck in your healing.. its hard.. im still stuck there as well.. i was shocked to read this because you practically took the words straight from my mouth.! thank you for putting into words what i could not... im here if you wanna talk.
rayasunshine,
19 November 2011 - 11:16 PM
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