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amandaunderthepink likes this

Here I am

23 November 2012
Posted by amandaunderthepink  
Tonight, I am here, surrounded by blankets, in pajama pants. With my front door locked. Lights out-even though I am afraid of the dark, and tv on so I don't hear his voice. I am lying slightly propped up and my abdomen is killing me. I keep holding in instead of going to the bathroom to relieve myself. I can't do that anymore-I keep myself...
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Tags: gag, scalding water, feel clean, fear, shame, frusterated

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Posted by amandaunderthepink  
Somedays I feel like stained glass-pretty on the outside, but fragile and ready to break in a million pieces in less than a minute. Transparent-like you can see through me. If it were me, Id be busted on the floor. I hate being fragile, transparent. I should look as squeezed on the outside as I do on the inside. I never got my day in court, never...
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Tags: feelings

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I cant believe this

21 November 2012
Posted by amandaunderthepink  
I have 3 weeks off from T. I welcome the break. But at the same time, in the same moment, I cringe, knowing that when I go back, I am going to frighten myself. My T wants to try role-playing between me and him. This scares me for 2 reasons. 1. I dont want to have any worse flashbacks than I have to have. 2. I have anger issues and I dont wanna...
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Tags: T, lies, fear

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I will breathe...

29 October 2012
Posted by amandaunderthepink  
Today was not a very good day for me. I had a T appointment. So, even afraid to leave my house, I went to T. It did not go very well. I am looking for answers as to why I feel this way, solutions as to how to fix it. I sat and told my T that I am afraid to leave my house, that I relive over and over and over my r*pe. She then asked me why after a...
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Tags: T, r*pe, failed by system, fear

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Breakdown

24 October 2012
Posted by amandaunderthepink  
Geez, Amanda, break down much?
Today, I relived a part of my past. I was talking to an old friend and felt the need to tell him, because it has changed me from who he used to know to this whole different person. One who is afraid to go anywhere. One who can't eat certain foods, who cries all the time and who finds comfort in talking to others...
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Tags: shame, can't deal, hurt

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Anni

12 October 2012
Posted by amandaunderthepink  
Today is my 16 month anni, and while it's getting harder for me to track the months-though part of that is due to disabilities-I cannot forget what happened to me and spent most of my day gagging, in bed and only left the house to get my check.

Which brings me to a diffrent problem-I get nervous when I leave the house.I shake, sweat, and get...
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Here, in my head

07 October 2012
Posted by amandaunderthepink  
Time for an update! And i feel compelled to write. I find it odd that I feel that i have to write when it's close to an anni (my 16 month anni is in 5 days.) Or, when I am having problems. I dont think of the rape all the time. I don't think of the molestation all the time. But, when I hear a noise, or am in a room that's too...
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Posted by amandaunderthepink  
[color="#008080"][font="Century Gothic"][font="Tahoma"]Schools done in 3 weeks. Am getting straight A's! I am having problems-stress with my boyfriend, stress with work. I have no grey hair-yet. i am looking foward to seeing my baby girl on sunday.

As far as T goes, mine has stalled the talk about my CSA. I...
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I CAN"T take this

11 August 2012
Posted by amandaunderthepink  
Feels like my insidews are slowly being squeezed....can't breathe, can't think and the smallest thing triggers me nowadays. I am scared and I can't take it anymore.I don't feel anything. I'm numb. I don't understand why I am numb. I can't think of anything about the abuse, or I am terrified that I will lose my...
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UGH

10 August 2012
Posted by amandaunderthepink  
It's all I can do to keep from screaming. Or crying. I have to keep my mouth shut. I can't tell. My T wants me to talk about IT-the abuse by my brother, the denial from my family. It was all my fault and I know it and that's why Im so screwed up and my mind won't shut off. I am a horrible person. I could have done something-but he...
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About my blog

This is basically my space to spill out everything I'm thinking and feeling.

Please note that some of the content here may be triggering.

What I write here is just me being honest with myself. Mostly just venting about things, realisations, and my path through healing.

There will be talk of CSA, SA, R, SI and ED here.

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