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Hard

27 June 2012
Posted by trooper 
Wow, it is harder than I thought to do this.

So, many judgements come up for me.

Like maybe this is stupid, or I am stupid.

Or maybe I wasn't even sexually abused.

Or maybe I have nothing important to say.

trooper likes this
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5 Comments On This Entry

It is easy to tell ourselves that. It is not stupid. When we are abused as kids we are still dependent on our abusers so in order to survive we have to make the decision that it is us, not them, that is crazy. We have some amount of control then. This follows us into the future and is VERY difficult to break through. It is like a tree root thats 100 years old. Hard to uproot it. Even when we do, the imprints are still there. I have dealt with the same issue. Easy to downplay the abuse. Easy to mimimize it or discredit it altogether. But you know. I know. When I start minimizing it myself, I feel a swamp of shame. Like if I was not truly abused then all this eractic behavior I have had in my adult life has no root. No reason. I am just crazy. But I encourage you to remember being a survivor is work and that we will fall down often. Its a job there is no manual for. No pay. Just a swamp of aftermath we have to muddle through with broken goggles. I am having a bad day currently myself. Very lonely. Sad. Lifeless. Want to isolate. That is why I go on here. I see others with the same issues and I know I am not alone. I don't have to feel shameful. We are doing the best we can. Feeling powerless today over many issues. Opening up helps. So the last sentence you posted about not having anythin important to say is false. What you say is important. It was to me anyway. Today especially. Thank you for your post.
Christine1974, 27 June 2012 - 01:48 PM
keep fighting
tweb, 27 June 2012 - 05:42 PM
I feel this way a lot of times too. I made a promise to myself that I need to give this a try before I, perhaps, start seeing a therapist behind my mother's back. I still DO downplay the abuse like many of you, believing that it was all a hallucination or something like that. But, what makes me stop and think is that the abuser cannot STAND me, especially when they look at where I am at and where they are which is depending on someone else who is abusive.
writer2010, 27 June 2012 - 05:49 PM

Christine1974, on 27 June 2012 - 01:48 PM, said:

It is easy to tell ourselves that. It is not stupid. When we are abused as kids we are still dependent on our abusers so in order to survive we have to make the decision that it is us, not them, that is crazy. We have some amount of control then. This follows us into the future and is VERY difficult to break through. It is like a tree root thats 100 years old. Hard to uproot it. Even when we do, the imprints are still there. I have dealt with the same issue. Easy to downplay the abuse. Easy to mimimize it or discredit it altogether. But you know. I know. When I start minimizing it myself, I feel a swamp of shame. Like if I was not truly abused then all this eractic behavior I have had in my adult life has no root. No reason. I am just crazy. But I encourage you to remember being a survivor is work and that we will fall down often. Its a job there is no manual for. No pay. Just a swamp of aftermath we have to muddle through with broken goggles. I am having a bad day currently myself. Very lonely. Sad. Lifeless. Want to isolate. That is why I go on here. I see others with the same issues and I know I am not alone. I don't have to feel shameful. We are doing the best we can. Feeling powerless today over many issues. Opening up helps. So the last sentence you posted about not having anythin important to say is false. What you say is important. It was to me anyway. Today especially. Thank you for your post.



So glad you said this - you've written it for me!
Dreamgirl
dreamgirl, 28 June 2012 - 04:39 AM
Hi Trooper

Yes it is hard!

For me it is about not being heard. I think it awakens our own inner demons. It is a very personal battle.

I think what you have written is important and many people relate to it. Keep going, you’re doing great!

WildRoses

WildRoses, 28 June 2012 - 02:51 PM
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