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First Bad Dream In A While...

Posted by Shining_On124 , 17 February 2014 · 93 views

It's been a long time since I had a bad dream, let alone one that had me not wanting to sleep. (it's also been over a year since I posted here! Sheesh! But I still feel as if my recovery is "unfinished", so I may be spending more time here working through things)
 
I had a weird dream last night, and when I woke up, it was still bothering me. It...


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Can't Think of A Title....

Posted by Shining_On124 , 20 December 2012 · 82 views

It's been awhile.

I need to post more frequently because there has been a lot weighing on my mind. I have been grappling with things since last Thursday. A trigger here, anxiety attack there, feeling like shit or just feeling gross; and tonight it feels like a mellow (not intense) level of depression. So subtle though that I calmly had an urge to SI...


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Maybe Memories

Posted by Shining_On124 , 10 June 2011 · 99 views

Last night I had a weird scene play in my head.

It was me, walking into Michael's "outside room" (as they called it - it was a glass room that had been built on the side of the house, they used it as a separate living room).

He was sitting on the couch in a black T-shirt and black Dickies. When he saw me approach, he lay down on his side,...


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"A little more information, to add to my confusion...to add to the frustration..."

Posted by Shining_On124 , 25 May 2011 · 83 views

Last night, I had some small bad dreams. The first one was sort of a flashback about the assault, trying to remember how I was feeling while it was happening, but I blacked out.
Then I remember being in a court room with a case of he-said-she-said between Michael and I, that no one believed me. That because he was my boyfriend at the time, he couldn'...


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"These demons are doin' jump-n-jacks, man!"

Posted by Shining_On124 , 25 May 2011 · 93 views

I went to Planned Parenthood yesterday for routine STD checks and to check out some rash that had appeared.

I was able to do the HIV test without passing out (cuz you know, I hate needles, shots, and getting my blood drawn - but fortunately this was just a prick on my finger). I thought that was a big accomplishment on my part, so yay! I also tested...


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"Like the battles with yourself, that leave you insecure."

Posted by Shining_On124 , 22 April 2011 · 118 views

Sometimes, like tonight, it feels like I've made no progress.

That I'll always be "scared" of sex and I'll always be a burden to whomever I'm with, because I can't give them sex and they can just get it elsewhere.

That, even though my boyfriend and I have been doing fine for months, the sexual frustration will mount and one...


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Things on my mind.

Posted by Shining_On124 , 28 September 2010 · 43 views

Just identified another trigger tonight...

"Rest stops" aka: where the big trucks go to park for the night.
Driving past those - I'd never been out and seen the semi trucks all clustered there, ever, - made my mind go blank and I felt briefly, two seconds of panic, but stayed grounded in my car and continued driving. It reminds me of "Th...


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CrashLove - Strictly Rude

Posted by Shining_On124 , 12 September 2010 · 29 views

I'm still praying, at least for that. I'm still keeping him in my thoughts, even if just in the back of my mind.
Yesterday I cried again - big time. I talked to my roomie, Eric, who comes from a Navy family, and he wholly understands the decision that Chris had to make.
If it's meant to be, it'll happen - even if it's years from now....


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Crushed....

Posted by Shining_On124 , 09 September 2010 · 25 views

....like a soda can.

Here is a more, slightly in-depth thing on what exploded today and why I am so down.

He said that he'd been "wrapping his head around this the past couple days and here's the conclusion".

He doesn't want to get too attached going into the Navy. "You're a great gal and you deserve a great guy, but I...


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Fighting Tao - CrashLove

Posted by Shining_On124 , 08 September 2010 · 89 views

....Things didn't work out with me and Chris.

I still believe that he really liked me.

I'm crushed, but have stopped crying for now.

I cried for a couple hours. My best friend Amber is over.

I don't know. He said that he didn't want to get too attached going into the Navy. That he'd been through a similar thing recently. He said,...






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