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First Bad Dream In A While...

Posted by Shining_On124 , 17 February 2014 · 55 views

It's been a long time since I had a bad dream, let alone one that had me not wanting to sleep. (it's also been over a year since I posted here! Sheesh! But I still feel as if my recovery is "unfinished", so I may be spending more time here working through things)
I had a weird dream last night, and when I woke up, it was still bothering me. It wasn't necessarily "scary", but it did have my rapist in it (plus some homophobia! Fantastic!). **slight trigger warning, just in case**
It was like a weird flashback. I was in my childhood best friend, Amber's, house. We were watching something on TV, and a scene came on that showed 2 girls kissing. I am not sure if I voiced it, or if because it was a dream, my excitement/positivity towards that scene was palpable, but Amber (raised in a Christian household) expressed her disdain for it and how she thought that act was "repulsive and unnatural". I found myself defending that act, stating that everyone was entitled to express their love regardless of their gender. I remember my feelings on the defense being very strong. 

Fast forward in the dream, and we are heading to bed. I walk down the familiar hall to Amber's room, turn to my right to look into the master bedroom. I only see his backside, but it is my rapist, M. He was shirtless, with some navy-blue sheet/blanket thing around him like a cape. I shuddered. "What is HE doing here?" I turned to my brother, who was somehow behind me. "I don't know, but concentrate on going to sleep," he said. The master bedroom door closed, but I was paranoid about why M was there. 

Then I woke up and was just like, "What the hell?!" but at the same time did not want to go to sleep.

I just kept wondering why he was even in that dream to begin with, and why was I focused so much on that? 
The homophobic stuff pissed me off as well. It felt like.... I don't know, like I had to justify or re-think my sexuality, and that despite coming out as bi and being attracted to girls 3 years before the rape happened, that there is a deep-rooted distrust of men because of that. (and even in typing that I am thrown back into my room at my parent's house, at 15).
I don't know. 

July 2014

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