"Like the battles with yourself, that leave you insecure."
That I'll always be "scared" of sex and I'll always be a burden to whomever I'm with, because I can't give them sex and they can just get it elsewhere.
That, even though my boyfriend and I have been doing fine for months, the sexual frustration will mount and one day, he'll either implode
or we'll separate; because sexually, I can't give him what he wants nearly as much as he wants (which is not an extreme amount - but any regular amount for me is a big deal).
It's one of those things where I am just happy to be in a good relationship, and I'm still taking things slow; I just worry that it'll be too slow for him, or anybody to deal with (though he has been very patient). That if he leaves because of the lack of sex, I'll be alone again.
I hate being alone, but I can do well alone. I know I can get by, and I have my cat & best friends. I can make it.
I need to get on some anti-anxiety medication as soon as I get some health insurance... then, we'll go from there.
Right now I just feel crummy. My boyfriend is sleeping in his room, his way of shaking off the "sexual frustration" he's feeling, it helps him not focus on me (thus getting more uhm...excited) and wait till it goes away. I just feel bad for getting him worked up, then having him fall asleep and not be able to do anything; while I'm still awake, feeling kind of crummy for not being able to give him anything (it's that sort of choked "sor-ry" like the kid who knows they've done something bad and wants to apologize sincerely). *sigh*