Low Fidelity - updated
Aside from still being unemployed, and starting school next month, I need to remember that the dating game is still dating even after the "I love you"s - nothing is permanent unless I want it to be!
Ryan and I have been together for about 5mos, and while we've expressed feelings of love and an immense caring for one another, I don't feel like "this is it". And I think, at the age of 22, it doesn't need to be "it".
I'm really enjoying being in a nice, healthy relationship again. It's good to be genuinely loved and cared for, to enjoy being in each other's company, having someone to be there for you. And while what we have is special and awesome, it's not necessarily "unique".
I remember some things a good friend of mine said to me a while ago: that this shouldn't be "new" and "exceptional" - I deserve, and should be, treated this way! This tender kindness should be normal, expected, for a relationship!
I have had many great experiences, both general and sexual, with Ryan. In fact, he was the first guy I'd had sex with in years where it was "good" and I didn't break down crying or get scared (that type of success has only happened a couple of times though)!! That alone was a huge accomplishment for me, and that night, a night after I'd told him about the rapes, was when the first "I love you" was spoken.
Earlier that week, he had almost said "I love you" to me, but stopped himself. I was hesitant on saying it as well, even after it came out that night. Now I mean it, I love Ryan and care for him very much, and I'm really happy with him.
I am bisexual, and I don't suddenly "turn straight" just because I'm seeing a guy. I still think about girls, check 'em out, wonder if 'my dream girl' is still out there.... Sometimes I wonder if I'd be more happy with a girl, in all aspects - in the same breath, I can't help but wonder if once I get my life more balanced and become more comfortable with sex and everything, that I'd leave Ryan for a girl. Like he's just a stepping stone, and I'm moving on to whom I'm "meant to be with" and someone who better suits me.
It's a possibility that this is just a happy learning experience - which is why I take this day by day.
I am currently hesitant to make big, long-term commitment plans (like moving in together, both of us signing a lease together - even my moving to Portland in a year and a half/2 yrs from now with my best friend, I'm hesitant of having him come with me if we're still together - but all of this could change).
What if I meet a great girl, and a spark happens? Of course I would be upfront with Ryan and tell him straight up, what's going on, that I met someone else. I think he would understand [if eventually], but I wouldn't want to crush him - I know it'd break his heart a bit and he'd need to build up his self-esteem to get back out there; I really care about him. I love him and want him to be in my life always; I just don't know if we'll always be together!
If that "one girl" appears in my life, of course I'd take the plunge (unless Ryan and I were to get married years from now, which I cannot really think on right now, I still see myself getting married in a tux ); there's just no one out here, in my state/city, for me, so I'm doing good with what I've got.
Someone suggested to me, maybe I'm better off "breaking up with him to 'experiment'" - but that's not what this is. I am happy with my boyfriend and I've made so much progress with him, sexually and otherwise in the past 4mos we've been together, it's really, really great. I just don't have expectations that it will last forever.
My best friend says my thinking, keeping my options in check, is sort of a defense mechanism. Where, if things go sour, I like to know that there's still people out there for me, and she says that's healthy, which I agree. I use the "look, don't touch" policy, and I would never, ever cheat on him. Some things you just can't forsee, and I prefer to take life as it comes, day by day.
"When I fall in love, I take my time... There's no need to hurry when I'm making up my mind." - Jason Mraz